Stalin: Nuke the Duke
New biography details Russian dictator’s attempts to kill film icon
GRINGOS IN HISTORY TRADING CARDS
Stalin (top) and Wayne (bottom): one great big totem pole of ugly
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Despite sounding like a hilarious urban legend, a recently published biography of American actor John Wayne has revealed compelling evidence that Russian dictator and mustache enthusiast Joseph Stalin attempted to have Wayne killed on several occasions in the 1940’s. Evidence suggests that Wayne’s passionate anti-communist stance infuriated the dictator, whose commitment to going totally batshit in the later years of his reign found him at odds with the American icon.
Several unorthodox attempts were made on Wayne’s life during the 1940’s and early 1950’s, when Stalin ordered Russian spies dressed as FBI agents to kill Wayne by serving him a blueberry sandwich.
“Stalin was terrified of blueberries,” commune research editor Griswald Dreck explains. “The KGB wanted to off Wayne by strangling him with piano wire or planting an explosive belt buckle in his wardrobe, but Stalin considered blueberries to be far more deadly. Needless to say, it both angered and terrified him when Wayne thought the sandwich was delicious and sent his agents out to get another one. That’s when Stalin started turning to voodoo, since Wayne was obviously some kind of supernatural deity.”
Unfortunately for fans of espionage humor, Stalin’s various attempts to kill Wayne, including incidents involving a large safe dropped from a high-rise building and enough chili powder put in Wayne’s food to cause him to butt-scoot all the way to Mexico while swearing in Spanish, came to an end with the dictator’s death in 1953. Stalin was succeeded by Nikita Krushchev, a Wayne fan who bonded with the Duke (born Marion Morrison in 1907) over both of them having to act tough in spite of having really girly names.
Krushchev even met with Wayne in 1958 to reassure the star that Russia’s bumbling attempts to kill him had been called off, though he did advise Wayne to be wary of Stalin loyalists who might still attempt to pillow-fight him to death. He also warned the star not to use any toothpaste that smelled like hemorrhoid cream, another common Stalin-era assassination tactic. Wayne was reportedly a little disappointed by the news, since dodging inept Russian assassins over the years had replaced golf as his favorite hobby.
Previously unpublished excerpts from Stalin’s diaries indicate the many and varied fantasies the Russian leader indulged concerning Wayne’s death. One of the most memorable involves a quick-draw shootout on the streets of Dodge City, where an impeccably dressed Stalin out-draws the Duke and Wayne’s gun fails to fire, instead spitting out a little flag that says “ÂÄÐÓÃ!”
For more on Joseph Stalin, Griswald Dreck recommends reading the biography “Stalin: The ‘Crazier Than a Pope Streaking Through Harlem’ Years” once it has been written and published.
the commune news sticks by the position that it has never contracted to have a major film star killed. Successfully. Ivana Folger-Balzac has never been killed by Russian assassins, and frankly she’s a little insulted by the lack of effort.
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