Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium
Intelligence Gaffs “Resolved”
Penalty of Something Horrible imposed on naysayers
SNAPPER McGEE
The President makes his mean face in an effort to dissuade Congress from bringing up unpleasant matters of intelligence, or lack thereof.
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In a staunch memo from the White House, written on the president’s customized Wild Thornberrys stationary with the head “From the Desk of George II,” the president issued a decree confirming the controversy over intelligence errors was at an end.
“Let it ring forth from the Oval Office, loyal Americans,” the memo stated, all i’s dotted with smiley faces, “that the alleged problem with intelligence has been resolved. We shall not address these topics again under penalty of whatever we can do to you.”
The stern warning stems from revelations that Bush used unconfirmed reports of Saddam Hussein attempting to buy uranium in Africa in a Jan. 28 State of the Union address. The report later proved a forgery, and not even a good forgery, forgery critics have reviewed. The misstatement is the first public proof of inaccuracy in Iraq intelligence claims against the president, if you exclude the obvious lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq at all. Critics of the president—you know, non-Republicans—were quick to attack the false claim in the wake of recent information.
“Mr. President, for the American people, I ask you, Where are these weapons of mass destruction?” accused Democratic presidential nominee Dennis Kucinich in a fund-raiser only he attended.
White House officials were caught off guard by the public story revealing the inaccuracy of the uranium claim, and pointed to the CIA as the culprit. In their estimation, the CIA is responsible for verifying every statement the president is to say before he says it, or make it true in the aftermath once he has said it. CIA Director George Tenet, as captain of the rotting ship, took full responsibility for the error. According to other CIA insiders, Tenet had previously made White House speechwriters remove an Oct. 7 reference to the same forged documents until it could be verified, but failed to intercede on the president’s behalf in January. The backlash came in a form of public outcry about the legitimacy of intelligence collected by the CIA, and a frustrated Bush responded by saying he retained faith in Tenet, who was responsible for his false declarations, and that American intelligence was in good hands, describing it as “darn good.” Political pundits were on the offensive again however, noticing that Bush stopped short of calling the intelligence “the bee’s knees” or “rootin’ tootin’.”
The presidential decree, the first of its kind, was released Saturday, following a failed attempt the week before to urge the nation into silence by calling the matter “closed.” The decree, while not a Constitutionally-viable change in public policy and holding no legal ramifications for the disobedient, could be the first in a series of presidential changes in lawmaking to enforce the will of the president over his subjects. Which is how Bush sometimes refers to his constituents.
White House mouthpiece and new meat Scott McClellan defended what some considered a presidential overstepping of duties.
“His will is divine and not for us to question,” said McClellan Saturday. “He is merciful and wise. Your opinions to him are like the gnats buzzing around the head of the large and noble wildebeest of the Serengeti plain.”
It could be neither confirmed nor denied at press time whether wildebeests roamed the Serengeti.
the commune news is issuing a decree, a Bachelor’s of Science, to all our reporters and their high journalistic standards. White House correspondent Lil Duncan’s own high standards apparently don’t keep her from dating smelly men with mustaches, judging by what she brought into the office last week.
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