Study Shows Test Subjects Real Pricks About Studies
Research participants frequently pains in the ass
SNAPPER McGEE
Scientists feign lab work to avoid dealing with test subject pricks waiting in the other room
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A recent scientific study released Wednesday surprised the research world with the evidence that test subjects as a group are frequently unapologetic dicks about being involved in scientific studies.
Conclusions were drawn based on the results of observations of 200 various test subjects at the University of Macon at Macon Georgia. The test pool was narrowed down into groups of 20, with further separation to divide the 20 into two groups of ten, control and actual test subjects. Then varieties of tests in the vein of usual scientific studies conducted at large, well-funded universities were conducted on the test groups while the control groups were allowed to go home and do whatever they wanted. At the end of a three-month long test period interviews and surveys were taken with all participants and conclusions drawn from the results.
The dominant results among those who participated in test groups were frequent findings of “irritable” or “highly irritable,” with occasional high occurrences of “extremely angry” and one or two cases of “violent”. Researchers, all of whom had engaged in voluminous tests with subjects on other matters, say findings fit their expectations.
A variety of tests common in scientific research were used. In one test, for instance, participants were subjected to hours of violent television for hours at a time to see if it caused violent feelings in the subjects—it did. In another test, viewers were exposed to looping trailers of Jennifer Lopez theatrical films. This also caused violent feelings among test subjects.
In other tests conducted for the study, subjects were left in rooms with two-way mirrors for ten hours to be observed, to see if this caused irritability. In other tests, the mirror was turned the other way and test subjects allowed to observe the researchers talking about them in the safety of their observation room. This likewise caused irritability. In fact, as results show, there were virtually no conducted tests which did not cause irritability in subjects. The conclusion was vital in proving the case of the University of Macon research team that test subjects are real assholes.
“Before the findings were made public,” said research team leader Cal Edwards, “we would talk amongst ourselves about how our day with the participants went. It was easy to postulate hypotheses about whether the test subject was a dick or just being a dick because of the particular test we were running on him. Now we know once and for all they’re all just dicks, no matter what test you’re running.”
Edwards’ proof lies heavily in the fact those in the control groups were perfectly friendly when the researchers showed up at their door and asked them their moods. In 80% of all control group cases, subjects described their day as “fine.” Of the remaining 20%, subjects frequently described their day as “Enh” or “Could be better,” or asked what the researcher was doing at their home.
“Of course,” continued Edwards, “knowing they’re pricks is only the beginning. It’s important to find out why they’re pricks when you experiment on them, too. What is it about being removed from normal society, trapped in sterile laboratory facilities, and observed by people who don’t tell you anything that makes them pricks? That will require years of further research. Though after the results of this one, I can tell you I’m thinking about getting out of the game altogether. Who needs this kind of bullshit?”
the commune news has never been the subject of experiments, though we have to confess a fifteen minute lost-time phenomenon last week possibly attributable to alien abduction. Ramrod Hurley could stand lose a little time himself, not to mention a few pounds.
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