Missing Girl Big Fat Hoax
Kansas woman claims she’s only badee-badee-ba-big-boned
TOPEKA POLICE DEPT.
Donna Walker, described by authorities as an alleged “big fat cunt who should die”
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What police officials are calling a “cruel hoax” perpetuated by a “big fat bitch” from “some Podunk town out in BFE” came to an end last Thursday with the arrest of Donna Lynette Walker, a 35-year-old Kansas woman. Walker had contacted the parents of missing Indiana girl Shannon Sherrill only days before, claiming to be the missing girl and renewing hope for the family after 17 years of grief.
Six-year-old Shannon disappeared in October of 1986 while playing hide-and-seek outside the family home in Indianapolis. Authorities had all but given up hope over the years, as leads failed to materialize and it became less and less likely that Shannon simply took hide-and-seek very seriously. Walker’s call last week seemed to the family to be a miracle, but quickly turned out to be the shitty kind of miracle that people usually aren’t referring to when they speak of miracles.
With the arrest came disturbing-yet-hilarious details about Walker’s past. According to several poor bastards who identified themselves as her friends, Walker has frequently made crank phone calls in disguised cartoon voices ever since childhood, and as an adult her talent for being incredibly and flamboyantly full of shit has led to police records in California, Kansas, Virginia and Nebraska for making bizarre threatening calls, forging checks, reporting false fire alarms, placing bomb threats and using stolen credit cards to pay her telephone bill. Few involved can take even these charges seriously, however, since Walker often disguises her telephone voice in a spot-on stuttering impersonation of Porky Pig.
Friends of Donna Walker are at a loss to explain her motivation in contacting Shannon Sherrill’s parents, or how they could possibly be this hard up for friends. All agree, however, that the Sherrills probably should have taken Walker’s claims of “What’s up Doc? I’m your kidnapped daughter!” with a grain of salt.
“I’m not surprised,” said friend Kelli Wauch, who wasn’t surprised. “I met Donna through a group where you go for support or if you’re happy you go there and Donna is somebody who thrives off of other people’s pain so it didn’t surprise me that she did these things because she told me about a girl missing in Indiana and it being her parents and saying something along the lines about that and I just kind of blew it off because it didn't make any sense,” rambled Wauch, prompting this reporter to slap her across the mouth in hopes of coercing a coherent quote.
That rambling narrative, coupled with the fact that Wauch has had to change her telephone number twice during the month she has known Walker to stop the tirade of threatening phone calls made in cartoon voices, begs the question of why Wauch still identifies herself as Walker’s friend. Rather than sift through another verbal train wreck of a response, however, this reporter is satisfied to chalk it up as some kind of weird Kansas thing we’re not meant to understand.
In Indiana, Walker faces a felony charge of identity deception and a misdemeanor charge of false reporting, as well as a life-long series of disappointed looks from the entire human race. In addition to contacting the missing girl’s parents, she also repeatedly contacted the police regarding this case, posing alternately as two different women, the missing girl’s husband, and a diminutive hunter with a speech impediment.
Attorney Billy Rork insisted that Donna Walker did not feel she’d done anything wrong, despite the fact that she is twelve years older than Shannon Sherrill would be today in addition to the minor details that Walker was never kidnapped and is in no way related to the Sherrills. Rork also communicated that Walker didn’t feel like going to prison or being held in any way accountable for her actions. Additionally, she didn’t feel like Italian or Thai food, though those details seemed less important in the big picture.
the commune news does not condone identity deception in any form, but for the record we did claim to be members of Run-DMC once in a hilarious attempt to get laid. Ivana Folger-Balzac could hardly pass for anyone but her bitchy self, although she was once mistaken for Adolf Hitler in a wig.
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