Patriot Act Defended as Crucial in Apprehending Non-Whites
Invading your privacy vital to national security
JUNIOR BACON
A non-threatening white man is waved through security after a visual “once-over” inspection
|  |
Answering lawsuits filed by the ACLU and American Arab groups, the Justice Department touted the U.S.A. Patriot Act as the most effective tool against non-whites the government has ever had, at least since the outlaw of Jim Crow laws. The Patriot Act, named so in a misguided attempt to gain public sympathy through outlandish propaganda terms, was passed in the wake of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and allows the government easier access to wiretaps, monitors of suspicious individuals, and anything they damn well think is important.
Groups challenging the Patriot Act claim it gives the government too much unquestioned access to the privacy of Americans without the need to substantiate charges. Defenders of the group were too busy accessing the purchase records, credit reports, and group affiliations of the challengers to bother responding.
“Helping the government fight terrorism is one thing, the tactics endorsed by the Patriot Act are entirely another,” said ACLU attorney Kim Wilde. “Let’s suppose I’m a terrorist, living on American soil and taking flight lessons vital to my group’s jihad. I buy one paperback of The Catcher in the Rye and all of a sudden the FBI is jumping all up my ass thinking I’m going to try to kill a Beatle or something. It’s entirely without reason.”
Arabic groups likewise expressed dismay.
“It’s outrageous, even more than outrageous,” insisted Arabic Anti-Defamation League spokesperson Bindari Al-Abib. “The Asians have had All-American Girl and The Joy Luck Club. The Indians have Bend it Like Beckham now. When will Arabs at last get their own sitcom? Just hear me out now. My idea is a single dad, a radiologist, named Amir. He works in a hospital, but a really funny hospital, and has an Arabic love interest who is also a radiologist. He’s also a single dad, with two wise-cracking kids.”
Opponents of the sitcom say the workplace and family comedy is long dead, and a hospital is a depressing place for people to work. While defenders of the Patriot Act express the necessity for the government to be given leeway in times of difficulty.
“Let’s get something straight,” said Justice Department spokesperson James Gattlebritch, “the government is wise and trustworthy enough to be trusted with access to anything they want. What do you think, the U.S. government is going to waste time checking out Amazon.com records to see you bought Kangaroo Jack? As if! Get over yourself, folks. We’re only looking for the people who are terrorist, and have known affiliation with terrorist groups. Or look shady. Just, you know, shady. You know the kind of people.”
The ambiguity of language leads many skeptics to believe the Justice Department is engaging in illegal racial profiling. An allegation some are comfortable with.
One proponent of racial profiling is author and conservative advocate Rash Tinker. “Facts are facts. It makes no sense to pull white people out of line at the airline checkpoints and search them for terrorist weapons. It’s just common sense. When have white people ever been terrorists? Outside of the IRA and a few European nationalist groups, never. We know the Arabs are responsible for the biggest terrorist act since the Oklahoma City bombing. I don’t see the problem with just searching Arabs.”
the commune news defines itself as a patriot ever since the passing of Patriot Act, before which we defined ourselves according to the Fairweather Friend Act. Raoul Dunkin does something at our office, but as near as we can tell the main thing seems to be to stink of BurmaShave.
Saddam Hussein’s Dog Shot
Bush: Reign of terror is over
America Remembers Bob Hope
Mournful nation a bit fuzzy on details
Missing Girl Big Fat Hoax
Kansas woman claims she’s only badee-badee-ba-big-boned
Study Shows Test Subjects Real Pricks About Studies
Research participants frequently pains in the ass
Bush Decrees Iraqi Uranium Intelligence Gaffs “Resolved”
Penalty of Something Horrible imposed on naysayers
Bush Vows Attack on Librarians
Latest presidential boner to screw CIA for good
Pat Robertson Asks Viewers to Pray for 50-Foot Robot
Televangelist seeks divine intervention to arm Christian lobbyists
Claudette Ravages Texas Coast Like Mean-Hearted Woman in Blues Song
Texas just plain done wrong by lowdown tropical storm
Doritos Reveals New Human Tracking Chips
New snack technology could end crime, hunger, privacy