Bush Vows Attack on Librarians
Latest presidential boner to screw CIA for good
LAZLO HOMALES
President Bush, about to board the dream blimp to Narnia
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President Bush shocked and awed the nation’s library employees this week with tough talk about a possible U.S. intervention into the current librarian situation. Apparently confused by developments in the African nation of Liberia, where a rebel insurrection has left the war-torn country in chaos, Bush vowed to use any and all means necessary to bring America’s 20,000 librarians to justice.
These latest statements brought even more scrutiny upon the beleaguered CIA, an organization that has obviously shared precious little of its intelligence with the president during his term, and possibly since birth. Bush thrilled sports fans everywhere last week by passing the buck like John Elway on crack, blaming the CIA for failing to slap the stupid out of his mouth before he could make misleading statements regarding the Iraqi threat during his State of the Union address.
In response to the latest shit shower to hit the presidential fan, the White House also claimed that the wet-nurse organization had failed to prevent the president from making over 1,722 embarrassing statements since coming into office; 1,723 if you count the recent librarian gaffe.
“Anyone who’s listened to the president speak, either publicly or privately, knows that the CIA has been shirking its duties to a perverse degree for quite some time now,” stated White House spokesman Scott McClellan.
“More than any other recent president, Mr. Bush counts on the Central Intelligence Agency to make him sound intelligent,” explained U.S. National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. “You don’t hear anything about a Bureau of Acting Tough or the National Registry of Down-Homeisms, do you? That’s because the president has those bases covered. And how. Mr. Bush does not, however, come from an intelligent background, and that’s where the CIA is supposed to come in. These people are paid well to keep the president from using terms like ‘fucking towelheads’ or speaking with his mouth full of salami, and today it’s clear they have dropped their duties like a greased bowling ball.”
“I think I’ve got pretty darn good intelligence!” defended the president, speaking up from across the room while wiping barbecue sauce on his bib.
“The CIA definitely cleared the use of the term ‘misunderestimated’ in that speech the president gave last year, and ‘uncontranationary’ as well,” McClellan detailed, reading from a list. “Likewise with ‘learnworthy,’ ‘economal’ and ‘immigrater.’ Plus any references to the nations of Urethra, Pillsboro and Spam, which do not exist. That was the CIA too. And when he said his favorite Beatles song is ‘Lucy Is This Guy That I Know.’ Total CIA all the way.”
Regarding the president’s baffling recent statements about the nation’s librarians, Rice was outspoken in Bush’s defense.
“The president did not knowingly say anything that we knew to be false, as he didn’t know what he was saying. It is not the president’s practice to speechify any falsic statement. All these countries and people with funny names, who can keep it straight? Intelligent people sometimes even have trouble,” Rice elaborated, apparently with full CIA clearance.
“The president also didn’t knowingly know anything he didn’t know, and knowing what he knew didn’t knowingly know any non-known knowledge,” Seussifed Rice further. “Oh, and the CIA also cleared President Bush’s impromptu recital of the tongue twister ‘Pickled Peter’s pecker poked a pooter’ during his visit to Africa this month,” Rice added on the fly.
Early reports indicate the nation’s librarians, knowing Bush to be serious, have taken conservative spit valve Rush Limbaugh hostage in a pre-emptive strike.
the commune news blames all of our misstatements and discredited stories on deposed commune intern Sheppy Monroe, who made that Jayson Blair guy look like Walter Effin’ Cronkite, we assure you. Ivana Folger-Balzac has all her public statements checked for accuracy by the mysterious law firm of Khis & Mias, who we thus far haven’t been able to find in the phonebook.
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