Pat Robertson Asks Viewers to Pray for 50-Foot Robot
Televangelist seeks divine intervention to arm Christian lobbyists
JUNIOR BACON
Pat Robertson, detailing the technical specs of the robot’s explosive brass balls
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Friday night’s broadcast of The 700 Club brought a fresh new prayer request from host Pat Robertson, following Wednesday’s request viewers pray for “three liberal justices” on the Supreme Court to retire. Friday’s prayer request: A 50-foot combat-ready robot.
Robertson’s initial calls to prayer began on the CBN website as part of his so-called “Operation Supreme Court Freedom,” taking a cue from Christian Coalition hand-puppets in the White House. The rallies against the Supreme Court were sparked by recent decisions to strike down state sodomy laws and the declaration two weeks ago in a majority decision the institution of marriage is “really gay.”
The television evangelist felt it necessary to clarify his remarks Thursday after some accused him of singling out justices for derision from his Christian audience, stating he did not have a preference which three of six alleged liberal justices retire, as long as the three conservatives stay on. Robertson also asked God if God could see his way fit to stock the Supreme Court with non-judges like Robertson or his son, or any televangelist who could “really shake things up,” it would be “icing on the cake.”
Apparently, however, the Supreme Court prayers were only the beginning for the former Republican presidential nominee and noted God jockey. On a broadcast Friday night on ABC Family’s The 700 Club, Robertson asked viewers to plead Jesus deliver him more pro-Christian goodies, the more remarkable being a 50-foot remote-controlled robot.
“Lord, we ask you,” stated Robertson in the broadcast, eyes closed and hand up in his perfunctory God-begging pose, “the righteous need your action at this time. As the morals of America are tested and evil is all snaked up in the cracks of even our judicial institutions, deliver unto your faithful what is required to carry on the good fight. If you cannot sway the hearts of evil men, Dear Lord, I only ask you to give me the tools to do it. I ask you, Lord, for a large robot, to bring us that robot, Lord, and make him of a stature 50-feet so that all those who would doubt you can see him coming.”
Robertson carried out his prayer further, with specifics on the design and armaments of the requested robot. Any three of the suggested artillery were acceptable by Robertson’s standards, including a chest-mounted cannon, thigh-seated machine guns, a flame thrower, eye-beam lasers, a fist that can be fired like a weapon like the old Shogun Warrior robots had, and shoulders decorated with heat-seeking missiles. The televangelist specified the robot would be agreeable if it came with a remote control that could be operated from long distances, but the best-case scenario robot would be a robot with an internal cockpit in the head to allow Robertson to commandeer it.
Not limiting himself to the robot request, Robertson also asked his flock to make back-up prayers for a talking burning bush to command Congress to amend the separation of church and state; the holy imprinting of all non-believers with a “Jesus fish” tattoo on their foreheads; and all city of New York and state of California residents voluntarily giving up their right to vote.
the commune news works in mysterious ways, but we shirk work in even more mysterious ways. Ramrod Hurley is pleased as punch to be back on the reporting beat again. We punched him, and it pleased us.
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