America Remembers
Bob Hope
Mournful nation a bit fuzzy on details
ARCHIVE PHOTO
Hope, seen here doing whatever it is he did when he was young
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“White guy, right? Kinda chubby?”
Americans from all walks of life fondly remembered American institution Bob Hope following his death this week, even if many couldn’t remember what he was famous for. But few could deny that whatever he did, he was the best.
“I think he was in movies, maybe,” eulogized housewife Linda Blades of Old Creek, Montana. “Or maybe comedy. Possibly comedy movies.”
“One thing nobody can dispute is that he was a legend in golf. Or at least legendary for liking golf,” clarified podiatrist Carson Cree of Ohio. “I actually don’t know if he was any good, but I’m pretty sure he did golf, or was at least photographed holding a golf club some time. Or maybe it was tennis.”
“Bob Hope was really old,” remembered Riverdale senior Traci Holgrove, 17. “And we’ll miss him.”
Even President Bush had trouble placing the accomplishments of this American icon. The president reportedly said “the nation lost a great astronaut” upon hearing of Hope’s death, moments before being wrestled to the ground by his handlers.
“Bob Hope was as American as apple pie,” gushed secretary Anita Joilet. “And I thought he was great in Glengarry Glen Ross.”
“He was the funniest man alive,” solemnly intoned cable installer Brian Marrows. “Or so I’ve read. I never actually heard any of his jokes, but I hear they were pretty good. What a loss.”
“Hey, I know who Bob Hope was,” bragged Georgetown sophomore Luke Gray. “He was in Spies Like Us. That shit was hilarious.”
Would-be biographer and A&E junkie Mary Sholund spoke at great length about Hope’s accomplishments. “Robert, or as his friends knew him, Bob, came to national attention in the 30’s, which were also his 30’s, as the owner of the Hope diamond. He was eventually went on to become our nation’s greatest ventriloquist, entertaining our troops in three major wars with his breakdancing puppet, Coltrane. In his later years, he was famous for the ‘Road’ series of films, including Road House with then-hunk Patrick Swayze and Road Trip with the adorable Amy Smart.”
Psychologists warn that the national attention span may have been stretched perilously thin by the recent deaths of several elderly celebrities, leaving precious little mental focus left to comprehend Hope’s career. The common refrain heard among Hope-mourners is that they would love to learn more about what Hope actually did, but the networks keep running those Bob Hope memorial specials opposite CSI and Everybody Loves Raymond.
Comedian George Carlin, however, offers a solution.
“Quit fucking around and just give us the death photos already. We want the full Odai Hussein on this guy. That probably still wouldn’t totally satisfy the grief industry, but at least we wouldn’t have to put up with this maudlin crap on television every time some elderly greaseball stubs his toe. Christ.”
the commune reserves the right to mourn in our own way, especially if it involves strippers and tequila. Ramon Nootles recommends that you take your memorial photos of him now, since he plans to start letting himself go at 35.
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