Legislators Mull National
“Do Not Rape” List
Central registry proposed to resolve issue of consent
JUNIOR BACON
Defendant Kobe Bryant appears in court with his lawyer, who just finished a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats
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U.S. lawmakers, called on to help clear the murky waters of consent in sexual situations between adults, responded today with a plan to create the national “Do Not Rape” registry, a centralized list of American women who are officially not asking for it.
Inspired by the sensationalized rape charges brought against NBA superstar Kobe Bryant by an unnamed Colorado woman, the registry would provide a way for U.S. women to proactively opt-out of unwanted sexual encounters with any of the growing legion of clueless sexual predators populating America’s bars and dark alleys.
The proposed list would mirror the recently created “Do Not Call” registry and the impending “Do Not Spam” list, and would mandate that all men intending to have rough sex with strangers would be required to check the list of names every three months or risk up to a $1,500 fine, jail time, or neither.
“If a woman says no, but only fights you off half-heartedly, that’s the most encouragement many of these guys will ever receive,” explained defense attorney Richard Spackle. “It can be very confusing.”
“Like what if she’s saying ‘No, no, no!’ but the guy’s Hawaiian or something and his name is Nono? That could happen. You gonna send Nono to jail just because he thought she was cheering him on? That’s discrimination, plain and simple.”
Legal experts and sports fans applaud the proposal, hailing the list as a step forward into an enlightened new age when the public will no longer have to guess which of the two people involved in a rape trial is the total piece of shit.
“This legislation could bring relief to many who desperately need it,” commented legal expert and student taxidermist Rutherford Wank. “Women who speak up with allegations of rape will be spared the muckraking and character assassination all too common in the modern rape trial. And even more importantly, American males will be free to fuck crazy bitches again.”
Other proposed lists reportedly being discussed in Washington include a national “Do Not Kick My Dog” registry, a “Do Not Masturbate to My Image” registry, and the controversial “Do Not Exploit My Unskilled Labor” registry, which has already drawn harsh criticism from several U.S. corporations. As of press time, no exploitive, dog-kicking masturbators could be reached for comment.
the commune news has always been a firm believer in the concept that “No” means “No.” Unless you’re in Russia, where we’ve heard “No” means “Pancake.” Ramon Nootles is loath to discuss his own rape trial, other than to mutter “she was black as night and the size of an panda bear” in a quivering, terrified voice from time to time.
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