Gore Wouldn’t Run Again For a Million, Trillion Dollars
Former vice-president is so not running for office
ALTON ONUS
Presidential non-candidate Al Gore demonstrates how he’d rather be kicked in the balls than run again
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The anemic field of Democratic candidates, described by political pundits as “what the A-team would be like if it was really gay,” has inspired many Democrats to push for another Al Gore candidacy in 2004. Perhaps not grasping the ramifications of four more years with Boy George at the helm, thus far the former vice-president has steadfastly refused.
“I wouldn’t run for president again for a million, trillion dollars,” Gore told reporters last December. “Nor for all the tea in China.”
”Not even for true love?” a reporter questioned.
“No,” answered Gore. “Not even for that.”
However, Gore did concede later that if this reporter was holding a gun to the head of an innocent newborn baby, he might consider it. Though he did seem a little weirded out by the question.
Recent polls in New Hampshire show that if Gore were to enter the race for the Democratic Party nomination, he would immediately become the front-runner in that state. These polls showed that the same also holds true for Hillary Rodham Clinton, George Clinton, and Kool-Aid Man, the gigantic pitcher of powdered beverage famous for busting through walls and responding in the affirmative. Various Democratic candidates have denounced the poll as mean, but true.
Speaking with the commune this week, Gore’s position on his potential candidacy remained unchanged.
“Would you, could you, if it rained?” this reporter asked the non-candidate.
“I would not, could not if it rained,” responded Gore. “Nor if my brain had gone insane. I meant what I said and I said what I meant: I will not run for president! Now leave me be!”
Other scenarios that would fail to entice Gore to run include learning the secrets behind various Carly Simon songs, a blimp full of naked cheerleaders landing in his backyard, or having a southern state renamed Goregia.
Several political commentators have suggested that Gore would prefer to go down in history as the man who was denied the presidency by an antiquated electoral system and corrupt election officials in Florida, rather than risk losing a second election to a man who has been amply exposed as one of the less-memorable bit characters on Dukes of Hazzard. Those who know Gore dismiss this idea as absurd, though they could totally see Bush giving the Duke boys the what-for.
Gore supporters suggest instead that the former vice-president simply doesn’t wish to subject the public to a Gore v. Bush rematch, or spend the next year of his life debating with a man who moves his lips when he reads.
the commune news has conducted an in-office poll which shows Pamela Anderson as the most appealing Democratic candidate, though other media organizations have been slow to pick up on this story. Lil Duncan considered running for office when she heard the other candidates were accused of back-room deals, but this turned out to be something different than what she’d imagined.
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