Reward Leads to Saddam Hussein Arrest in Brooklyn
Ruthless despot picked up near egg cream place
JUNIOR BACON
Either The Flash was arrested by a cocaine-fueled officer or Junior fumbled this attempt to get a shot of the suspected Hussein being led into the 37th Precinct.
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The Bush administration celebrated a victory amidst plentiful criticism this week when reports came Friday that Saddam Hussein had been arrested, in Brooklyn, New York of all places.
The news puts a sunny smile on the end of a week of bitter partisan accusations from Democrats and presidential critics against the Republican party, and the president in particular. Bush has had to play hardass on the Liberia situation, alluding to the possibility of military intervention in that country; other sour news surfaced in the release of a report stating the jobless rate had risen its highest in nine years, refuting some conservatives who are claiming the economy is in full recovery from the recession of the past two years. Even more alarming, recent attacks on U.S. soldiers brought the total body count higher than 200, causing some to allege the U.S. still does not have control of the Iraq situation. The president earned harder critique after a statement detractors decried as “an urge to attack our forces.”
In a Wednesday address to the White House press, Bush’s controversial statements were: “There are some who feel like conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is: Bring them on. We have the force necessary to deal with the situation.” The president then turned up the collar of the leather jacket he wore to the press conference and put on some Terminator sunglasses.
A rescue did come for Bush and company, though, in the form of the Hussein capture on the Fourth of July. Details were being suppressed by the FBI and the White House until more could be verified, but it is believed a call late Thursday night tipped off authorities to the location of Saddam Hussein, in the heart of Brooklyn, New York, no less.
Speculators who forced their way into the commune office suggest the Hussein arrest was the direct result of the president’s Thursday announcement a $25 million reward would be offered for information leading to the capture of Saddam Hussein, and $15 million each for his less popular sons. Some estimates say it was a mere 16 hours before Bush’s reward announcement brought in the information that led to the seizure of the deposed Iraqi dictator.
The president earned some back-sass from Democrats for raiding the congressional Secret Santa fund to supply the reward money, as well as subverting money from social programs for Uday and Qusay rewards. While he was mucking about in the national budget, he also dismantled Medicare and Medicaid.
Some FBI insiders are warning early announcements Hussein is in custody may be false. What can be verified by the agency is that just before midnight a phone call offered information on a the location of a Brooklyn hideout where the Iraqi dictator could be picked up; the caller was male, possibly extremely inebriated, and an episode of Perfect Strangers was clearly heard in the background. It was believed to be the one where Balki is hypnotized into believing he’s Elvis.
Unofficial witnesses confirm the arrest of a man in the Brooklyn area by a swarm of government agents wearing those cool jackets with “FBI” on the back. The man taken into custody was reportedly shouting loudly that his name was Rudy and he ain’t never heard of no Iraq. Witnesses could not say for sure whether the man the FBI detained was Saddam Hussein, though they implied a crisp $100 bill might refresh their memory.
Some are suspicious why the president did not take the opportune time of the Fourth of July to announce Hussein was in custody, but insiders who know Bush said on a three-day weekend the president doesn’t even show up at the White House. Experts, or those who claimed to be experts, assured everyone the matter would be made clear on Monday morning, when Bush returned from his Tijuana road trip.
the commune news is offering a $25 reward for information leading to the arrest and execution of the douchebag who keeps parking in Red Bagel’s spot. Lil Duncan is the commune’s White House correspondent, and occasionally parks her car in the White Garage when the Secret Service isn’t looking.
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