Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3
Senator calls for copyright enforcement after horrific download
SNAPPER McGEE
Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, attempting to burn down the house
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Utah Senator Orrin Hatch made a surprising statement during last week’s hearing on copyright abuse, calling for the remote destruction of home computers used to illegally download music files. Though the senator refused to discuss his motivation, many believe Hatch’s sudden interest in copyright infringement stems from the first-ever illegal download of one of the Republican senator and part-time composer’s musical works earlier this month.
The fateful pirating in question took place when teenager Jody Whiteman of East Plains, New York accidentally downloaded the illegal MP3 file during a sleepover with high school friends. “I was trying to download that new American Hi-Fi song, and it was late so I guess I clicked the wrong thing or something because the next thing I knew, the gayest thing that ever happened was playing through my computer speakers.”
Whiteman had inadvertently downloaded the track “America Rocks!” from Hatch’s album “Heal Our Land,” recorded with composer Janice Kapp Perry in 1997.
“We must’ve played that thing 100 times,” Whiteman confided, wiping a tear from his eye. “It was like that video clip of that fat guy falling off his bike, we couldn’t stop laughing. First it was funny just because it was so bad, but then we realized somebody must’ve did it on purpose, which was even funnier. Then Tom pointed out that somebody had to like it enough to post the MP3 online, and at that point we all really lost it.”
Some speculate the MP3 download must have led to an ironic purchase of the album by one of the high school students involved, tipping off the senator that someone outside of the Hatch family had purchased one of his albums and leading to the discovery of the illegal download.
“If they illegally download a song once, or twice, they’ll get a warning,” fantasized Hatch out loud during the hearing. “But the third time? Zap! We blow up their computer. I don’t know how, maybe a laser satellite or some kind of Mission Impossible button or something. But the point is, we blow it up and they never rape our music again. Do that a few hundred thousand times, and people will start to get the message. We’ll copyright-enforce them back into the stone age.”
Thinking Hatch was kidding, technological consultant Randy Saaf attempted to save face for the entire Republican Party, if not the white race. “No one is interested in destroying anyone’s computer, but we feel that more strict enforcement of—”
“I’m interested,” interrupted an annoyed Sen. Hatch, who was not kidding at all. A long, uncomfortable silence followed.
Jonathan Lamy, spokesperson for the Recording Industry Association of America, suggested Hatch was “apparently making a metaphorical point that if peer-to-peer networks don't take reasonable steps to prevent massive copyright infringement on the systems they create, Congress may be forced to consider stronger measures.”
“No,” countered Sen. Hatch. “I’m talking about blowing up fucking computers! Kaboom! Do I have to spell this out in sign language for you people? Kazap! And maybe a little shock or something to put the fear of Jesus into these people.”
After the hearing limped to an awkward conclusion, several senators gathered in the hall to discuss Hatch’s proposal, but to this reporter’s ear it sounded more like a lot of laughing and some gut-busting falsetto renditions of such Hatch classics as “Jesus’ Love is Like a River,” “Someday I’ll Fly,” “I’m Goin’ to Pray for This Land,” “I Am Happy,” and “It’s Not So Easy Growing Old.”
the commune news is against illegally downloading music, but only because our connection is so slow we have to go on the “one note a day” plan. Ramon Nootles has become convinced that anybody can put out a religious album these days, and is looking for musicians to back him on such tracks as “Let Me Fill You With the Holy Ghost” and “I Got Your Sister Pregnant with the Spirit of Jesus.”
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