Monkeypox Great Name for a Movie, Say Health Officials
Health officials looking forward to gripping sick-rodent thriller
BIG BOOK O' RATS, RANDOM HOUSE
A Gambian pouch rat, the perfect gift for your least-favorite child
|  |
Monkeypox, the African virus spreading through the Midwestern U.S. by way of human contact with infected pet prairie dogs, would make a bitchin’ name for a new movie, announced health officials today when asked if there were any new developments in the outbreak.
“I’d expect it to be in theaters by late this summer, if some TV movie doesn’t snatch up the name first,” explained CDC head Sumner Alimony. “Actually, it would have been perfect for that Outbreak movie with Kevin Spacey and those sick monkeys a few years back, too bad they can’t go back in time and rename that one. True, we’re mainly dealing with sick prairie dogs right now, but monkeys are way more marketable, plus then you don’t have to explain why your sick prairie dog movie is called Monkeypox. People would probably think Prairiedogpox was a foreign film or something boring like that. And prairie dogs aren’t really monkey-level scary, unless you get the camera really super close to their faces.”
Twelve human cases of monkeypox have been reported nationwide so far, with 53 more pending testing: 25 in Indiana, 17 in Wisconsin and 11 in Illinois. One additional case was suspected in New Jersey, but turned out to be a false alarm after a Papa John’s pizza delivery driver called in sick with the complaint that “Dude, I’m sick as shit. I got Monkeyballs.” According to the Centers for Disease Control, the driver later turned out to have a combination of a hangover and athlete’s foot unrelated to the exotic pet scare.
Undisclosed federal rat-disease-tracing techniques have sourced the outbreak back to infected prairie dogs sold by Phil's Pocket Pets of Villa Park, Illinois, a small exotic pets dealer who has been inundated with faxed Polaroids of infected genital lesions marked with messages like “Thanks a lot, asshole,” ever since the outbreak began. According to Phil of pocket pet fame, the prairie dogs were infected by a Gambian giant rat, also known as a Gambian pouch rat, also known as an African Holy Shit rat, also known as a What the Cock is That Under the Sink rat.
The outbreak has renewed debate over lax restrictions governing the importation of exotic pets in recent years, and onto which of the lowest social rungs their owners desperately cling. Besides prairie dogs and numerous varieties of unsavory international rats, owners of other ridiculous exotic pets such as the Polynesian Scum Shrew, the Tasmanian Screaming Hedgehog, the European Couch Mouse and poodles have been fighting for their right to purchase, grow bored with, and then discard trendy non-domesticated animals.
New fears have arisen in recent days over monkeypox being transmitted from humans to other humans (as happens daily in Africa and other monkey-fucking cultures) and not just between infected prairie dogs and humans who don’t have the common sense not to stick their finger in a prairie dog’s mouth.
“Man, you gotta be sick already to fuck a prairie dog, I don’t care what anybody says,” stated a nearby teenager claiming to speak for the CDC.
Government health officials have recommended smallpox shots for all people exposed to the monkeypox virus, thinking that using the vaccine for a similarly-named ailment sounds about as good as anything. Other officials have recommended not sticking your dick in holes in the ground, though it was unclear whether or not they represented the federal government’s official stance on hole-dicking.
the commune news once dated a girl who owned a ferret, and there was definitely something wrong with that chick. Ivana Folger-Balzac came back from this assignment unhindered by any bizarre hamster diseases, but the staff is confident that an upcoming story on North Korean nukes will be the end of either her or the North Koreans.
Intelligence: Bush Meant to Go to War with Iran
Bush intelligence manipulated by administration
Mission Accomplished: U.S. Forces Find Hussein’s Embarrassing Home Videos
Iraq war justified by discovery of hilarious tapes
France Harboring Hussein, Bin Laden, Hamburgler
Weasels deny latest unproved allegations
Australian Hijacker Thwarted, Drained of Blood
Wooden-stake attacker “subdued” in passenger uprising
Sports Pundits Wax Epically Over Sosa’s Corked Bat
Possible cheating incident fuels passionate scenery-chewing