Supreme Court Rules
on Gay Marriage
Highest court confirms utter banality of married life
DAN FATHEAD
An impressive-looking building where if you shook it, judges might fall out
|  |
Following last week’s landmark sodomy decision that opened the door for Americans everywhere not to be white Christian fundamentalists, onlookers have waited with baited breath for the other shoe to drop as the Supreme Court passes judgment on the controversial topic of gay marriage. That shoe came sooner than expected yesterday, when the high court handed down a ruling that many anticipated but few wanted to admit: “Yes, marriage is really gay.”
“Marriage is like, something chicks invented to make sure guys don’t have any fun,” explained Justice Anthony Kennedy in his majority opinion.
“So you’re saying I’ve got to support you financially, pay for a bunch of foofy-ass furniture I don’t want, raise some snot-monster kids who live to piss me off, and I don’t get to have sex with anybody else no matter how fat you get? Oh yeah, that sounds like a great deal. Sign me up and point me toward the polo shirts,” sneered Justice David Souter while miming the jerk-off motion with his hand.
“I was going to get married once, but then I decided to just slam my balls in a car door and call it even. Best call I ever made,” boasted Justice Breyer, sitting down gingerly.
Justice John Paul Stevens nodded in agreement. “Friend of mine got married once. They said it was Vietnam that screwed him up, but I for one know better. His wife was into collecting those little beanbag animals,” Stevens shook his head solemnly.
The lone dissenting opinion was voiced by Justice Antonin Scalia, who spoke meekly from the bench.
“Hey, I like being married. It’s fun to talk to my wife about what kind of sink we’re going to put in the downstairs bathroom, again and again, for hours until you don’t care if you live or die. And to hang out with my wife’s asinine friends from college, that’s a blast,” asserted Justice Scalia, starting to cry. “Anyway, when I was younger I found single life to be overrated, I really did. Always getting to do whatever I wanted, staying out all night, having my own ideas…” Scalia trailed off as he got a far-away look in his eyes.
“Plus I think there’s something in the bible about getting boils on your ass if you’re not married by the time you’re 30. Ugly stuff. It’s in there somewhere, I swear. Enjoy life at your own peril, single sinners.”
Uptight religious groups everywhere spoke out against the decision before it was even handed down, not wanting to miss an opportunity to start some shit.
“We will not stand for this attack on the sanctity of marriage,” threatened Rev. Lee Harden-Stroker, president of the one-man To Heck with Gays Coalition of some godawful place called Hucknuckle, Texas. “Next thing you know them liberal judges gonna rule that church is boring or that closed-minded fundamentalist dogma drives a wedge between people while failing to address the spiritual needs of its followers in any meaningful fashion. And them’s fightin’ words.”
“Sure, being married isn’t much fun, but nobody said life was supposed to be fun,” explained Tyner Allaboy of the Concerned Christian Men’s Club. “Show me where the word ‘fun’ appears in the bible. Ain’t there. It’s God’s plan for men and women to grow emotionally distant from each other, raise ungrateful children and spend our weekends fixing the damned rain gutters again and again.”
“Just think about it,” concluded Allaboy in a flourish of inspiration. “If God really wanted us to be happy, would he have put our mouths so far away from our privates? Try and argue with that.”
the commune news agrees that marriage is gay, but the alternative does get a little lonely some Saturday nights. Thank God for legalized prostitution! Wait, what? Boner Cunningham is the recent recipient of the prestigious Golden Doorknob Award for the least relevant journalist of the year. Way to go, Boner.
“Do-Not-Call” List Bigger Than Jesus
Millions eager to block unwanted calls, maim telemarketers
DARPA Technology Could Aid Oppression of America
Electronic eyes keep enemies, citizens well-behaved
Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go
Deaths of Peck, Hepburn left public waiting for third shoe to drop
Davis Warns Recall Will Lead to Robot Revolution
Governor speaks against recall measure, rise of machines
Bush Adds Segway Scooters to “Axis of Evil”
Growing list of presidential enemies now too long to recall
Iran Student Protestors Clash With Anti-Protestor Protestors
“Pro-troop” demonstrators bring the thunder down on students
Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3
Senator calls for copyright enforcement after horrific download
Monkeypox Great Name for a Movie, Say Health Officials
Health officials looking forward to gripping sick-rodent thriller