Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go
Deaths of Peck, Hepburn left public waiting for third shoe to drop
SKEETER BARNES
Late comedian Buddy Hackett, whose own material made a roast largely redundant
|  |
The death of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett early last week at the age of 78 was met with fond remembrances and tributes from his family and fans, and a collective relieved sigh from the nation’s remaining elderly celebrities.
“You know how the saying goes,” explained Bob Hope, 100. “Celebrities always die in threes. After Peck and Hepburn went, every celebrity over 60 had to wonder if they would be next. Actually, I think most of these assholes thought it would be me. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I was definitely getting some strange looks last week.”
“To be honest, I thought it would be Bob Hope,” confessed comedian Red Buttons, 85. “How old is that guy? He’s definitely cheating death at this point. That guy’s so old he looks like a big walking scrotum. If he gets any older, some far-off king’s gonna have to wrap him up in a silk box like a goddamned royal tortoise. When he does go they might have to count that as three celebrity deaths wrapped in one, like some kind of loophole for rolling over the oldometer.”
Some elderly celebrities handled the superstitious deathwatch more gracefully than others, with actress Fay Wray, 96, noted by loved ones for her calm demeanor and total lack of response to external stimuli all week. Comedian Sid Caesar, 81, took the threat more seriously, locking himself in a hyperbaric chamber with a pistol upon hearing the news of Hepburn’s death. “Let ‘em come and get me,” Caesar was quoted as snarling as the door to the chamber was sealed. It was unclear whether Caesar was referring to old age or gremlins.
“I liked Buddy and all, but if it was between him and me, and it was, I’d pick me. So I’m glad it was him. He was probably in bad shape, anyway,” rambled Phyllis Diller, 86. “Probably had a compacted bowel or the snorts or something, he’s probably better off. I definitely am.”
While talking to a pair of twentysomething autograph-seekers, actor Mickey Rooney, 83, commented on his fondness for Hackett, with whom he once shared an ice cream. Rooney then answered his fans’ queries by explaining that Hackett was neither the mascot for Lee jeans nor the inventor of the hackey sack.
As they walked away, one fan was heard commenting to the other.
“Jesus Christ, Mickey Rourke looks like shit!”
Actor Karl Malden, 90, eulogized earnestly about Bob Hope’s career for 20 minutes before this reporter could adequately explain that it had been Hackett, not Hope, who passed away last week.
“Nah, you’re funnin’ me,” colloquialized Malden. “If Bob Hope’s still alive, how come he’s been haunting my dreams all week? Unless that was Eli Wallach. Hmm. Is that bastard still alive? Tell you the truth; it starts to get hard to tell ‘em apart after a certain age, they all take on that Jacob Marley look after about 80. Shit, maybe it was the Ghost of Christmas Past! Gah! What’d I give you last Christmas, the bath towel or the VCR?”
This reporter left Mr. Malden to his soul-searching, opting to pursue a quote and a Dilly bar from a passing ice-cream truck driver.
the commune news knows you’re only as old as you feel, but you still look like you died five years ago. Ramon Nootles holds the utmost respect for his elders, unless they have that weird “old person” smell and don’t have the common courtesy to take the stairs instead of stinking up the elevator.
Davis Warns Recall Will Lead to Robot Revolution
Governor speaks against recall measure, rise of machines
Bush Adds Segway Scooters to “Axis of Evil”
Growing list of presidential enemies now too long to recall
Iran Student Protestors Clash With Anti-Protestor Protestors
“Pro-troop” demonstrators bring the thunder down on students
Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3
Senator calls for copyright enforcement after horrific download
Monkeypox Great Name for a Movie, Say Health Officials
Health officials looking forward to gripping sick-rodent thriller