“Do-Not-Call” List Bigger Than Jesus
Millions eager to block unwanted calls, maim telemarketers
JUNIOR BACON
The president, surly after being called off the toilet to turn down an offer for aluminum siding
|  |
The launch of the national “do-not-call” registry was met with overwhelming demand last week as millions of Americans proved willing to crawl over their own dead mothers to sign up for the list, hoping to end years spent in unsolicited telemarketing hell. The unexpectedly high turnout seemed to answer the standing question of public support for the new law, which had been attacked by telemarketing groups as an infringement on their rights to free speech and practicing utter contempt for consumers.
President Bush signed the bill in March, commenting on the legislation at a White House ceremony last week.
“Unwanted telemarketing calls are intrusive, they are annoying, and they-hold on. Hello? No, goddammit! I don’t read the newspaper, fuck off!”
The new law gives the Federal Trade Commission the power to fine telemarketers up to $11,000 every time they call a number that appears the opt-out list, beginning Oct. 1. Consumers who weren’t confused into inaction by having to call a do-not-call hotline to make sure other groups do not call them voiced their approval of the law, and personal enthusiasm for finding additional ways to curb telemarketing in the future.
“You see, what I’d do now, first I’d stab ‘em right in the jimmy sack with a fillet knife,” caller Randy Hackle of Dilmont, Nebraska explained to a switchboard operator. “That’s just to get their attention, mind you. Then we’d open up a new forum for communication with a ball-peen hammer and some broken ceramic tiles.”
“Our research has indicated that most consumers appreciate being notified by telephone of the latest deals and special purchasing opportunities,” said smug Direct Marketing Association representative Tony Marsh, just begging to be kicked in the fucking nuts. “This unconstitutional law is a political witch hunt and we don’t for a second believe it reflects the will of the American public.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about killing telemarketers,” explained caller Christophe Williamson after registering his cell phone number with the directory. “Okay, well yes, actually I am. But what I’m really talking about is what we’ll do with their bodies after we kill them. That’s what really sends a message.”
In spite of such an overwhelming public response, many telemarketers remain steadfastly oblivious to popular sentiment, almost as if they weren’t really listening at all and were just waiting for a pause so they could tout the virtues of their practice.
“If we don’t have the right to approach consumers unsolicited, people will be deprived of potentially valuable offers that they would otherwise not hear about,” offered telemarketer Mark Finch in a dehumanized monotone, wincing audibly as a car backfired outside his window. After jotting down the unsolicited quote and questioning where he got the commune’s telephone number, this reporter hung up after Finch refused to take a hint that the conversation was over.
The new law has thrilled anti-telemarketing activists nationwide, who have been fighting the trend for years using both legal and quasi-legal guerilla tactics.
“My main hobby is getting these people’s home telephone numbers, and calling them at home,” bragged anti-telemarketing pioneer Sylvester Pinks of Tehachapi, CA. “Every hour on the hour, all through the night. Then I play back recordings of their mothers having loveless sex. That stuff’s not easy to get your hands on, true, but it’s all worth it when you hear their reactions. Especially on speakerphone with some buddies over and beer. Talk about Miller Time! Class-ic.”
the commune news doesn’t buy things from telemarketers as a matter of principle, unless there is a free mystery prize involved. Ivana Folger-Balzac considers all calls to be unsolicited, even from her own mother, and would fine you a punch in the kidneys if she could reach through the telephone.
DARPA Technology Could Aid Oppression of America
Electronic eyes keep enemies, citizens well-behaved
Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go
Deaths of Peck, Hepburn left public waiting for third shoe to drop
Davis Warns Recall Will Lead to Robot Revolution
Governor speaks against recall measure, rise of machines
Bush Adds Segway Scooters to “Axis of Evil”
Growing list of presidential enemies now too long to recall
Iran Student Protestors Clash With Anti-Protestor Protestors
“Pro-troop” demonstrators bring the thunder down on students
Somebody Accidentally Downloaded Orrin Hatch MP3
Senator calls for copyright enforcement after horrific download
Monkeypox Great Name for a Movie, Say Health Officials
Health officials looking forward to gripping sick-rodent thriller