U.S. Grants Iraq Contract
to Cheney Group, Inc.
Mysterious Corporation Receives $100 Billion Contract
WHIT PISTOL
The president greets the founder and CEO of Cheney Group, Inc., and his vice-president, Dick Cheney (Both are Dicks).
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President and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild the country was a $100+ billion contract to the little-known Cheney Group, Inc.
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
“It’s extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet.”
The assault alluded to by Professor Wishawa, as his tension was kneaded away by professional masseusse Bubbles Skotch, is the rumor that the Cheney Group, Inc. board of directors includes Vice-President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne Cheney. Early speculation is also that the Cheney dog Rags holds a prominent, undisclosed position as well. More disconcerting to critics are reports the Cheney Group, Inc. has no other members on its board, and is in fact entirely made up of Cheney family members.
“As far as I’m concerned, the White House has reached a new public low with this bold announcement. Previous politicians have at least felt a shame at stuffing their pockets with war profiteering, and have even gone so far as to accept their reward in the form of kickbacks from companies they award contracts to. The Bush administration has shown no shame even in the process of stuffing their own pockets. They’re shameless self-pocket-stuffers.”
Much laughter ensued, possibly due to ingestion of large amounts of tequila. Conversation continued after Professor Wishawa eventually stopped laughing, having blown a snot bubble.
“What’s more alarming than the brazen nature of these self-rewarding contracts is the fact our media has seen fit to gloss over them. Financial information may not be interesting to the public, I’m sure that’s the excuse they’ll use, but it seems representative to me of the fact we’re losing our systems of checks and balances. Which is the short course of turning our country from a democracy into a totalitarian—oh, Christ, Bubbles, that’s the spot!”
Wishawa then grunted loudly in a way I’m not sure how to spell, and asked for another tequila. Perhaps some reporters would have cut these vital details from the interview, but those are lesser individuals.
White House spokesmensch Ari Fleischer was quick to dismiss the claims as “cliché,” but was too uptight to meet this reporter somewhere to party and interview.
“Frankly, I get bored answering these kinds of questions,” said the complete downer. “All of these groups are more than qualified to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no questions asked. I’m sure the Cheney Group, whatever it does, will be able to do that thing to Iraq and make it safer for… you know what I’m saying. Get off my ass already.”
the commune news would be happy to make a profit off of war, or off of a peace, or off anything—what we’re saying is we’re a non-profit organization, and pissed about it. Ramon Nootles is our man in the field, assuming that field is populated by half-naked women with low standards.
“Douche of Diamonds” Surrenders to U.S. Forces
Least Wanted Iraqi Official Apprehended
Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s
Republican Santorum somehow stuck with Eisenhower-era views
Three Dead, Nineteen Wounded After Girls Gone Wild
Charges brought against girl inciter, video producer
Iraq Liberated From Hussein, Buildings, Electricity, Law
Regime change includes drastic renovation of infrastructure
Bush Issues Quarantines for SARS, Celebrity Activists
Viruses, crazy anti-Americanism must be kept from the public
Poll: 99 Percent of Americans Support Happiness
All demographics prefer everyone gets along and be nice
Cheney, Halliburton Connection Under Close Scrutiny
Issues of impropriety raised with award of contracts
Shuttle Tragedy Not Even a Blip on Radar Screen Any More
Some kind of pre-Iraq shuttle mishap rumored to have happened