“Douche of Diamonds” Surrenders to U.S. Forces
Least Wanted Iraqi Official Apprehended
U.S. MINISTRY OF TRUTH
The “douche of diamonds”: America’s least-wanted Iraqi. Even the card is kind of flimsy.
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Following the victory of Wednesday’s arrest of Iraqi official and “eight of spades” Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul “Pinches” Parzi, the notorious “deuce of diamonds.”
Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country’s biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.
Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development of strong propaganda campaigns and re-organization of key Iraq military units. They also recognize that Parzi, socially, is a king-sized prick unsuitable for hanging out with on any pretense. Chiefly among these reasons are his inability to understand most jokes, his heavy and grating style of breathing, and his poor handling of alcohol.
Not only did his poor habits make him unpopular with his fellow Hussein loyalists, Parzi, nick-named “Pinches” for the irritating habit of sneaking up on friends and squeezing their love handles, also became a problem for the U.S. government early into Operation: Something-Something Iraq. Shortly before the invasion began, Parzi contacted U.S. officials to discuss the possibility of his surrender, exchanging insider information for amnesty, but U.S. officials were reluctant to accept his surrender at the time, worried it would make the prospect of surrender infinitely uncool to all other Iraqis.
When creating the deck of cards to identify and rank Iraqi government figures, military insiders were faced with the challenge of filling out a 52-card deck with a bunch of Iraq guys they barely knew. Everyone was hesitant to include Parzi at all, but when they began scraping the bottom of the barrel, Parzi was elected for the inauspicious final spot, unfavorably known amongst U.S. soldiers as the “douche of diamonds.” A name that has apparently traveled fast and stuck even better than “Pinches.”
Discussing the arrest of Parzi, who was apprehended alone and stripped to his underwear and a T-shirt, U.S. military spokespeople would only say that Parzi had been traveling toward Syria with a caravan of displaced Iraqi military officials when he was forced to flee into the desert upon eating more than his share of rations. Parzi made a brief statement as he was arrested by troops, but no one bothered to write it down.
In an afternoon news conference, the Bush administration was optimistic in regards to the recent arrests.
“Tariq Azis was a high-ranking member of the Baath party, and his capture is a victory for the ongoing campaign against remaining Iraqi regime members,” said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer.
Asked about the arrest of Abdul “Pinches” Parzi, Fleischer, nodded gruffly and replied, “Yeah. Yeah, I guess we got him, too. Any other questions?”
the commune news—the last name in last-named news sources. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune’s foreign correspondent and continually forgets the lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
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