Three Dead, Nineteen Wounded After Girls Gone Wild
Charges brought against girl inciter, video producer
RAMON NOOTLES
Hi-tech computers and slutty re-enactment actresses re-create eyewitness accounts of the gone wild incident that resulted in tragedy.
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Tragedy struck a beautiful Miami beach Saturday when a top-lifting riot ended in the death of three and the wounding of at least nineteen. Police had yet to piece together the incident based on witness accounts, but it is believed the girls were incited to riot by college-age males and a video camera crew.
Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape.
“We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,” said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are examining the tapes repeatedly to determine exactly what happened. Even the hot action back in their hotel rooms. We have no further comment at this time.”
The popular video tape series features real college girls doing things you wouldn’t believe, frequently including nudity and gratuitous girl-on-girl inappropriate touching. Several of the videos also feature extreme violence as girls are persuaded by shouting crowds and thrown beer bottles to lash out at other women for the amusement of onlookers. A common occurrence is two young co-eds pushed into a crowd circle where, fueled by Peppermint Schnopps and other alcoholic beverages, they attack each other with claws and teeth until only one is left standing.
This time, however, the violence escalated until the streets of Spring Break (Whoo) filled with blood.
“It was, like, a total nightmare,” described Darrel “D-Train” Walters, who traveled down from Dartmouth for vacation. “There was this whole line of sorority sisters, and they were takin’ it all off and we were shoutin’ ‘em on, then they started pushing each other—and some were kissin’. Man that was hot—and then the nails came out and I couldn’t see ‘cause there was so much skin and hair and blood.”
Others were quick to blame the Kappa-Alphas, but it was apparent once the rioting had begun other girls were ignited into a stripping-killing frenzy.
“The last thing I remember,” said a dude who would only identify himself as “Mike from Georgia, Go Dawgs,” “was Dan and Geronimo sprinkling Rolling Rocks over this one chick to slow her down, then we totally got blindsided by these twins. Dan probably lost an eye and I ain’t even seen Geronimo since. Nobody will tell me nothing. Dude, if you see a fat guy with an ‘Official Titty Inspector’ T-shirt, you gotta tell me. I just need closure.”
Officials believe the report of three dead to be accurate. One is an unidentified college-age male decapitated with a string of beads and the other were two co-eds going wild, who had to be put down. The number of wounded reported continues to rise.
Though this is the largest girls-gone-wild-related catastrophe on American soil, it is not the first. Two years ago a man was killed when a group of hot rioting girls going wild dragged him by the beads off a balcony. The total wounded reached 11, but both incidents fall short of the toll of 22 dead and 46 wounded last year in Cancun.
the commune news has not gone wild, we just thought wearing a loincloth would be a nice change of pace. Boner Cunningham is our teen correspondent, tackling tough teen issues, and weak teens.
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