Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s
Republican Santorum somehow stuck with Eisenhower-era views
SNAPPER McGEE
Sen. Santorum attempts to defend his anti-homosexual views to Cold War-era Americans when he becomes frightened by seeing himself on a flashing picture box.
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Just when you thought the limits of science were established—girl, look out! Here comes Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, the politician who magically defies the change of time and remains stuck in the 1950s.
Santorum alerted the rest of America, scared and turbulent, but still living in the year 2003, when he stated in an interview printed last Monday that the Supreme Court would endorse incest and other immoralities if they overturned a Texas sodomy law the Court is hearing.
"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything,” said the senator living in the decade of the TV dinner and TV westerns.
Some Democrats and fellow Republicans have denounced the senator’s remarks and asked for his resignation, worried that living in a time period of 50 years ago would interfere with Santorum’s ability to keep informed in current issues. Key Republican party leaders have guaranteed to study the senator closely and divulge his knowledge of important government and cultural stuff.
“I guarantee you,” said a personal aide to Santorum, Jeff Richards, “the senator is in full control of his faculties and knows what year it is. I can’t explain any more than that. I’ve seen the TV on in his house, I assume he must get the news and the usual programs… he’s just somehow filtered them out.” Girl, I tell you, that Richards gave this reporter the eye. Beep beep on the gaydar, that’s all I’m saying.
Few from the scientific community have stepped forward to explain, though a group at Harvard’s Department of Quantum Mechanics are posing theories of collapsing personal wormholes. Psychologists from around the world are seeking medical background from Santorum’s representatives, particularly interested in previous incidents of head trauma or hallucinations. The extremely early onset of Alzheimer’s has not been ruled out.
Other theories have been offered, but not yet fully explored. My girl Ladyboy Smacky, she say Santorum look just like this guy pick her up three nights in a row last April and call her “Mommy” while she dress up like Martha Washington, but that guy had a mustache and was in Frisco, but she swear that dude Santorum so deep in the closet he sittin’ on the box to a Colecovision.
Despite the failure to pinpoint the source of Santorum’s confusion, others are stressing the importance of bringing him up to date with the year 2003 before it becomes a problem.
“We have 50 years of history to cover with the senator, so obviously we’ll have to pick highlights,” said Professor of Cultural Studies at the University of Chicago and real sweetie Isis Oviate. “We should start with telling him World War II is over—more than likely he knows, but we shouldn’t take chances. The geographical maps and political make-up of the world should be explained slowly so he knows all of that, about Stalin’s death and, eventually, the fall of the Soviet Union, of course. We would hate to offend an ally with some disparaging remarks against Russia. We’ll tell him all about Iraq, but one thing at a time. Take it slowly. The sexual revolution alone ought to leave him quaking in his wingtips. Maybe we’ll just sum up the Kinsey Report and see how he responds to that.”
the commune news is happy to live in the zero-zeroes… or the otts… the… whatever you call them—2000-whats. Stigmata Spent is the tallest and sexiest drag queen at the office, and honey, flattery will get you everywhere. So will insults.
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