Bush Calls Iraqi Disarmament a ‘Shameless Attempt to Avoid War’
U.N. compliance just a ploy to escape carpet bombing
JUNIOR BACON
President Bush acts out fantasy of telling cops to take Saddam away with wax figure. Or maybe Bush is the wax figure and Saddam’s real... it’s hard to tell here
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America’s somehow-President George W. Bush verbally lashed out at Iraq and “evil” regime leader Saddam Hussein Friday, calling Iraq’s promise to destroy missiles ordered eradicated by U.N. Weapons Inspectors “a blatant move to prevent a war with their country.”
“I, for one, will not get fooled again,” said Bush, paraphrasing the Who. “Iraq may think compliance to all our demands will keep us from carrying through with military action. Think again.”
The White House comments follow a week of controversy, where Iraq not only appeared to comply with U.N. Weapons Inspectors’ demands, but CBS also aired a Dan Rather interview with Saddam Hussein where the dictator voiced his views on the United States, the threat of War, and how the hell two Bushes get elected in America.
When asked by reporters what Iraq could do to prevent a war with the United States at this point, Bush responded, “What are you, terrorist?” A Washington Post columnist was then subdued by Secret Service and detained until evidence could be found to prove him guilty.
A war with Iraq, while not off the table, is losing steam with Iraq’s apparent compliance with U.N. demands and other recent factors. Saturday Turkey’s parliament failed to approve a bill allowing U.S. troops to set up a base in the country as a northern front against Iraq. France, Germany, Martin Sheen, and Sean Penn have also firmly announced opposition to the war and will likely refuse to lend military support.
In answer to recent protests here and abroad, the president announced his reaction by saying he would not run the country by “listening to focus groups,” presumably implying the majority of the American people or anyone who disagreed with him.
“Iraq thinks simply doing whatever they’re told by the U.N. will delay a war—well, they’ve got another thing coming,” Bush emphasized, now paraphrasing Judas Priest. “Saddam is up to his old tricks. It may look like he’s destroying all his missiles and meeting U.N. requirements, but it’s just another shameless attempt to avoid war ‘cause he knows what’s coming.
“This guy, he knows how to play games,” continued Bush, slackening his posture and straying way off-script the way his handlers hate, “but we know how to play games, too. Our game is called Can o’ Whupass. And he opened this game when he tried to kill my dad. Can’s open, Saddam—you ain’t closin’ it now.”
When the press gallery grew quiet, Bush tossed the podium off the stage with a loud squeal of the fallen microphone. The president then fell to his knees, screaming loudly between sobs: “My dad! He tried to kill my dad! Daddy, no!”
In a less melodramatic White House press release hours later, the administration stressed that even disarming Saddam of all missiles would not reduce the threat he poses to the United States and the free world. The White House indicated they have strong evidence, obtained on the condition they would not show it to anyone, that Saddam Hussein’s hands are registered lethal weapons.
Until Saddam Hussein is removed from power, the press release stated in closing, and his hands or at least all fingers are removed by force, the United States must continue efforts to neutralize this threat to the safety of the Western world.
the commune news is not harboring any nuclear materials in accordance with their peace treaty with Crochet! magazine—and if they think they’re man enough to come up here and verify that, bring it on. Lil Duncan is the commune Washington correspondent and there’s not much you can do to dispute that.
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