Capitol Hillbilly Defends, Embarrasses South
Hick senator blasts and reinforces southern stereotypes
Image courtesy of C-SPAN
Sen. Miller, seen here wearing a computer-generated business suit provided by C-SPAN, speaks out in support of “Picture Book” legislation
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Georgia senator Zell Miller brought a congressional debate over the judicial nomination of Miguel Estrada to a screeching halt Tuesday, pitching a spectacular tantrum that left members of the Senate shaken and, if they were from the South, in denial of being from the South. Beating a wooden spoon on an empty coffee can, Miller called for attention and proceeded to deliver a rambling diatribe, punctuated by numerous down-homeisms and analogies involving coon hunting, which some believe was in protest of CBS’s proposed reality show The Real Beverly Hillbillies. Full translated texts of the outburst were not available as of press time, as all known hillrods in the area had gone fishin’.
The controversial senator, known for attending congressional meetings barefoot and wearing a straw hat with denim overalls, has been barred from several debates in recent months for inappropriate bursts of banjo strumming and repeatedly not speaking English.
“Ladies and gentlemen, as a proud hillbilly let me say this: shame on you, CBS! I don’t know what they letters stands for but they Can’t Be Serious! CBS as a network Coulda Been Somethin’ but gone hafta settle for Caught Bein’ Sneaks! Cause we of the hillbilly persuasion, and in that I speak for myself and others I know, ain’t gonna let them get away with this crackerjack for one more minute!”
“Oh, Christ. Who let him out of his box?” whispered the unfortunately named Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. “There must not be any auto racing on today.”
“Too long has hillbillies like myself, and remember I can say hillbilly because I am that, but you best don’t, cause it’s offensive and will get you a slapped mouth, but we the people have too long been the backside of popular humor at our expenses,” continued Sen. Miller. “Offensive comic strips like Snuffy Smith and Lil Abner is just one example. Except for that one where Snuffy gets his foot caught in a beaver den, that was a hoot and a hollar.”
“Good lord,” groaned Tennessee senator Bill Frist. “At least he left his damned dogs at home this time.”
As if on cue, four mangy hound dogs burst loudly into the Senate chamber at that moment and ran around the floor, barking and smelling things. The dogs had to be corralled by Sen. Miller, who offered them bits of raw pork from his pockets.
The proposed CBS show that started the ruckus would have been an update of the popular 60’s sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies, only featuring real hillbillies in real danger.
“All throughout hist’ry there has been people who needed to look down on someone as less than theyselves, and the hillbillies next door have long been such a convenient target. No more, gents! The dignity of mountain people shall never again be trampled on by anyonest but theyselves.”
“I know he’s a Georgia man,” confided Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. “But I’m telling you… He must’ve had some serious absentee votes from West Virginia or something. Because damn.”
Florida governor Jeb Bush appeared and provided a quote without being prompted. “South? No, Florida’s not part of the South. Who told you that? Florida’s not really the South. I mean, yes, geographically it is south of some states, but inbred retard speaking, we’re not really ‘the South’ at all. Florida has a large relocated population, and the simple fact of the matter is we have way too many Jews to be considered part of the South. Jews and the South don’t mix; they’re like Kurds and Wheys. Scientific fact. And yes, I admit to being from Texas, but that’s beside the point. As everyone knows Texas is its own nation, like the District of Columbia.”
Debate continued on the Senate floor over who was really from the South, while Sen. Miller led his dogs to a rusted-out pickup truck parked on the front lawn of the Capitol.
the commune news supports the respect and dignity of all peoples, and most of the residents of Missouri. Lil Dunan is the commune’s White House correspondent and resident “Truth or Dare” grand champion.
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