Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster
Heavy metal band stage show possible cause of shuttle explosion
NASA
Released shuttle footage reveals the band, unscheduled to perform on the shuttle Columbia, gearing up for possible drum solo.
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Girl, as if it wasn’t bad enough clubbing’s been more dangerous lately than before they invented the AIDS cocktail, now they found the reason Columbia lit up the sky with their name. And it’s a phrase you’ve heard more than once: Cock rock is responsible.
Great White is once bitten, twice shy, and three times an asshole this week. Not only did the gorgeous ladies of ‘80s commercial rock burn down the hottest spot in the Rhode Island night club scene; now NASA is saying crucial video footage of the shuttle shortly before explosion puts the hair band and their infamous pyrotechnics on the scene.
“We have nothing but scratchy de-rezzing video stills,” said NASA blame-thrower Pete Hucksnell, “but we’re reasonably sure that was the ‘80s metal band Great White in the aft part of the cockpit. They were in the midst of a first encore, possibly a second, as the craft was approaching its landing perimeter.”
When asked what Great White was doing aboard the shuttle, wise-ass Hucksnell said NASA believes it was “Rock Me.”
Since the announcement, speculation has been thick as to how Great White got aboard the shuttle, why they were playing a set during landing, and how they successfully escaped the shuttle blast to successfully destroy Rhode Island’s night life more than a week later.
“Great White was playing at my club in Jersey shortly afterwards. They used their dangerous pyrotechnics without knowledge of management or any warning to anyone, despite being informed it was against fire safety laws,” said New Jersey night club owner Gary “I Tol’ Ya So” Maxwell.
NASA insiders say early opinion is the video footage is genuine, though it was being closely studied to see if it was a prank by Internet jokesters or jealous Winger supporters. At press time, Great White fans were being sought to help NASA I.D. the band, particularly to distinguish them from Warrant, Slaughter, Whitesnake, and any other groups often mistaken for the quintet.
Experts were not yet prepared to rule out Mr. Big or Firehouse, though neither band has been seen since the early 1990s.
Shuttle design expert and metalhead Garth Study offered explanations.
“If it were Kiss or Iron Maiden or a metal band with some degree of mystic power, you could easily theorize how they escaped a shuttle disaster to be seen shortly afterward, uninjured and completely intact,” said Study, brushing peroxide-blond hair from his sunglassed eyes. “But Great White’s only known power was the ability to rock the house. And they had a hell of a stage show! But I guess that’s kinda inappropriate to bring up now. I would place money on it being a Great White cover band, but the fault in that theory is there are none. The space shuttle has no escape pods and all blast re-enactment programs can’t pinpoint any scenarios for survival of anyone, especially a Robert Plant-esque vocalist, a twin-guitar assault team, and tight rhythm section. It’s mathematically mind-boggling.”
Estimates are that if Great White can be proven culpable in the shuttle disaster as well, their total body count for 2003 would exceed one hundred. They would officially surpass Black Sabbath as the heavy metal band who killed more people, though Sabbath would still hold the record for encouraged suicides and Satanic sacrifices.
the commune news also laments the loss of ‘80s hard rock—ten years go by and all of a sudden wearing a leather vest is gay. Stigmata Spent is perfectly comfortable with her sexual orientation, and would like to invite you and your cute friend to also become comfortable with it later on.
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