‘Free Molesting’ Coupon Fails to Lure Back 33,000 Missing Sex Offenders
State still looking for sex fiends in all the wrong places
JUNIOR BACON
A suspect arrested for a sex crime is handcuffed to a chair... and probably likes it; one of the few captured with the use of the “free molesting” coupon, pictured below.
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The first attempt to locate 33,000 missing sex offenders in California failed when there was no response to a highly-publicized offer of a phony coupon good for “one free molestation and/or sexual assault.”
It was a disappointment for state government, who has faced ridicule since January 7, 2003 for its admission that it lost 33,000 sex offenders from its registry. The registry was created in response to Megan’s Law, legislation requiring convicted sex offenders to register their addresses with the state, manipulatively named after a murdered sexual assault victim.
“The coupon was not real, let me stress that,” said California Department of Public Relations VP Millie Scheiner. “Damn truth-in-advertising laws required we put that note in all ads promoting the ‘amnesty coupon,’ but we made it really small and put it in the fine print. Who reads that? Well, apparently sex offenders are wise shoppers.”
Part of the annoyance at the failure is that the state will now be forced to pursue more expensive searches to find the missing sex offenders. Budget analysts have suggested that it could cost the state at least $20 million to find the sex offenders and register them once again. To stave that cost, other proposals are already flowing in.
“A major step in reducing the cost of the search is to eliminate places you won’t find sex offenders,” said Geoff Jermaine, founder and president of PervSearch, an independent company formed with hope of winning a state contract to find the missing sex offenders. “For instance, it’s pretty safe to assume we won’t search police stations. We know they’re not in prisons either, so that cuts down on a lot of search areas. How much of California can there be?”
The second step, according to Jermaine, is to actively seek places that might provide a good hiding place for sex offenders, like Georgia and Catholic churches.
“Our first step will be to check stadiums, large open fields, mid-size towns and army bases, anywhere that could house 33,000 people—that’s a large number of perverts to go walking down Hollywood Boulevard in the daytime,” said Jermaine. “But more than likely we’ll have to consider the possibility that they’ve all split up by now. It’s a damn shame. That’s going to make the search a lot harder.”
The state government hasn’t ruled out hiring an independent contractor to locate and register the missing sex offenders, but they are still considering all options at this point. Governor’s office insiders have leaked a number of possible methods of finding the sex offenders, including putting their faces on the side of milk cartons with messages such as, “Have you seen me? I’m a rapist. Please call 1-800-SEX-PERV.” Early success with the milk carton search method could lead to T-shirts with similar messages, and might even catch on as a fad with cynical high schoolers and twentysomethings.
Still other solutions are on the drawing board. America’s Most Wanted star John Walsh said he has approached the state government with a proposal for a weekend marathon on Fox where they show pictures of the missing offenders, present computer representations of what they might look like with old-time mustaches and glasses, and take calls from anonymous informers.
“I think it could be really great, for California and for Fox,” said Walsh. “We could have a huge total board behind me and periodically I tell them to show me the total, and the roll up the numbers. We could continue right through Sunday night and I bet you we get at least 25,000 of them back. With the help of viewers like you.”
Recovering the sex offenders would be the first step for California in recovering from its humiliation. According to insiders, Gov. Gray Davis has received countless prank calls from national senators, representatives, and other governors asking if he left the sex offenders in his other pants pockets, or saying they have seen the 33,000 missing ex-convicts at the local Safeway.
the commune news has to officialy register as a sex machine wherever we go—and tonight we’d like to be at your place to register, baby. Raoul Dunkin is quite a card, and a number of the staff would like to put him in the spokes of their bicycle wheels to see if he makes noise.
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