Israeli Astronaut Hopes to Colonize Arabic Space Stations
Exciting new world for religious extremism now possible
ANSEL EVANS
Ilan Ramon (inset), before boarding the rocket to outer space. He’s probably somewhere in the white ship-shaped part.
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History in space exploration was made as the first Israeli astronaut was launched into space Thursday, aboard the U.S. space shuttle Columbia. The astronaut, Israel air force pilot Ilan Ramon, said that it was his country’s hope to investigate colonizing outer space Arabic settlements.
“It has been a wonderful step forward for Israel, and for the future of space colonization as well,” said Israeli Ambassador Malcolm Lentin. “Problems of overcrowding and dwindling resources may soon be a thing of the past. This mission is the first step toward colonizing Arabic settlements everywhere, including outer space, but also other distant Arabic states on Mars and elsewhere.”
The launch took place under extremely high security, as have all shuttle launches since Sept. 11th. The presence of Ramon, though, drew greater attention to possible terrorist attacks by Al-Qaeda and anti-Israeli groups. The launch took place without incident, not even a firecracker of any sort, which made it just as boring as all other launches in recent history.
As of press time, there was no evidence of Arabic settlements in outer space or anywhere outside of earth, but Israel said they would seek out any possible Arabic locales as part of their pre-colonization mission. Although the colonization of Arabic-controlled areas would be preferable, Israel said they would consider the colonization of areas dominated by other sects including Buddhists, Sikhs, Hindus, Christians, Scientologists, and Raellians. The possibility of uninhabited spots ripe for colonization hadn’t been considered.
“Empty? Sure. We could do that,” said Lentin. “I don’t see where the challenge in that is, though.”
Israeli scientists also did not rule out the possibility of Al-Qaeda terrorist camps existing in orbiting space stations, camps that could not be detected by regular sweeps of space areas.
“It’s a slim possibility,” said Pentagon terrorist expert Gen. J. Halftrack, “but I wouldn’t put it past them. The technology is beyond their reach, by our estimates, but to tell you the truth those videos they produce have greater production value than we would have estimated. No telling what they’re capable of that we don’t know. And we haven’t really looked for them in space.”
Upon the completion of the sentence, the general dialed a direct line to the White House to propose War on Space Terror legislation, which the president presumably jumped on.
Ambassador Lentin, however, stressed that all Israel seeks through space conquests is peace.
“The Israeli people do not embrace violence,” he said, sharing his fries with this reporter at a Burger King restaurant, but not his Dr. Pepper. “It is our desire to step into space with open hands, to greet any who live there and share with them. We will be happy to share our people, and their space stations or colonies. We can all get along, and I’m sure any Arabic astronauts we encounter will realize that.”
For all the talk of sharing, this reporter never did get a sip of Lentin’s Dr. Pepper, even when offering to use a second straw.
the commune news would be proud to go into space, but we don’t have the kind of money Lance Bass is throwing around. Bludney Pludd doesn’t have anything of Lance Bass’s to throw around, but you can bet your sweet bippy he wishes he did.
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