Senator John Edwards Not the Guy Who Talks to Dead
Democratic candidate often confused with same-named medium
WHIT PISTOL
Sen. John Edwards stresses differences between himself and other John Edwards, who lacks an “S” at the end of his name.
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The country received two unexpected announcements Thursday, when Democrat John Edwards, a freshman Senator from North Carolina, told NBC he would run for president in 2004. Edwards then stunned everyone with the revelation that he was actually not the John Edward from the syndicated Sci-Fi Channel show Crossing Over.
Edward, who claims to be a medium who can talk to dead people, could not be reached for comment. This reporter then asked dead reporter Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown to get a quote from Edward, but Edward did not respond, and only pissed himself.
Meanwhile, Sen. John Edwards was firm in his insistence he was not the John Edward that talks to the dead.
“Of course I don’t talk to the dead. I’ve never even heard of that John Edward. But if he is an American, I will do my best to represent him just as I will represent all other Americans when I am president. I have served North Carolina faithfully during my time in office, and I will serve the country just as well. All I ask is for your vote.”
Edwards’ political rhetoric continued for at least thirty more minutes, then this reporter left for a sandwich.
Edwards’ decision to run for the Democratic nomination for president follows the announcement by former Vice-President Al Gore that he will not run in 2004, citing happiness with his new beard. Edwards enters the race against Jay Leno-lookalike Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, as well as potential candidates Sen. Tom “No, Seriously, I’m Running” Daschle and Sen. Dick “Last Name Never Looks Real” Gephardt.
Sen. Edwards told the press Friday his campaign would address key issues and attempt to overcome the Senator’s disadvantages. Edwards campaign buttons were passed out with clarifying statements such as, “He’s not the one that talks to dead people” and “The Senator, not the medium,” as well as image-focused buttons with the Sci-Fi Channel’s John Edward’s face crossed out and Sen. John Edwards’ face circled. Edwards’ campaign manager Charles Manson (not the ritual murderer) unveiled a banner at campaign headquarters reading, “John Edwards for President. No, the other John Edwards.”
Manson was optimistic about Edwards’ chances, yet acknowledged there would be obstacles.
“Is it an uphill battle?” Manson asked, then answered before anyone else could. “Yes. Is it impossible? Not at all. Senator John Edwards is a dedicated and determined man, and he has set his sights on this and will pursue it as far as possible. I can give you my personal guarantee that, when the Senator is done, everyone in America will be convinced he is not the guy from the Crossing Over show. We have a three-pronged attack: Get his face out there, get his position as Senator in the public mind, and stress that he has never and likely never will communicate with the dead. By the time our campaign is over, the other John Edward will be known as ‘the other John Edwards.’”
As for the Senators’ hopes for winning a presidential race against George W. Bush?
“Oh,” replied Manson. “We hadn’t really thought that far ahead. Are you sure Bush can run in 2004? Won’t his term limits expire by then or anything?”
the commune news knows who it’s voting for—Snipes. Seagal. Black House. Cast your vote for action this summer. Lil Duncan is the commune’s White House correspondent and wouldn’t mind a little presidential scandal with either John Edwards.
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