S. Korea’s ‘Worst-Case Scenario’ Planning Doesn’t Include Genital Torture
Pain experts think vision of extreme pain falls mighty short
DAN YANKEES
An old Mr. Miyagi-type man receives a noogie with a class ring, only # 139 on worst-case scenario experts’ list of worst things that can happen.
|  |
Last week’s announcement by South Korea that it was planning for a “worst-case scenario” in a U.S.-North Korean war fell short by the standards of many worst-case scenario experts.
According to delegates speaking on behalf of South Korea, the country is making preparations for war in the event negotiations to prevent nuclear armament fail. South Korea anticipates multiple responses that could endanger the country, even up to and including a nuclear attack on a major city such as Seoul by their northern neighbor, an event South Korea considers a “worst-case scenario.”
But those in the know say a nuclear assault on Seoul would fall far short of the “worst-case,” in their estimate. A nuclear blast would likely incinerate most inhabitants on the spot, and those not killed in the blast, while being badly burned and poisoned by nuclear radiation, would still face quicker and less painful deaths than other possible, “even worse” scenarios.
“An atomic death would be horrible, no doubt about it, but ‘worse-case’?” questioned worst-case scenario expert Rich “the Douche” Borwinkle. “I highly doubt that. Until you introduce things like genital electrocution and sandpaper-on-the-eyeballs, you’re a long way from worst-case.”
Borwinkle makes a point other experts agree with; worst-case aficionado and author of The 100 Worst Ways to Die Albert Crome insists he made the point before anyone else.
“There are peaceful ways to die, like suffocating in your sleep or freezing to death or something. I’ve heard drowning is a little intense, but it’s pretty cool because the flashbacks in those last moments of brain activity are awesome. But nuclear assault isn’t anywhere close to best or worst, it’s right in the middle.”
Continued Crome, “One word for you: Acid. That’ll smack you on the ass, won’t it? Don’t tell me if given a choice between radiation poisoning and acid in the face you would take the latter. And we’re not even getting into flesh-eating bacteria, small pox, or some of the more ordinary every-day deaths like ass cancer. That’ll make you beg for a mushroom cloud.”
Expressions of Slaughter videos producer Jacob Vissucio also found the South Korean “worst-case” preparation falling short. “No doubt the South Koreans aren’t anticipating being caught on train tracks when North Korea comes barreling through, non-stop. Here, check this out.”
This reporter did, indeed, “check it out,” and voluminous vomiting followed. If South Korea is subject to the same kind of horror as the poor son of a bitch on the video, they have yet to know what real pain is.
Similar feelings resonate with many Americans, at least those in Roanoke, Virginia’s Bewley High 10 a.m. study hall.
Stiller Wells, one study hall regular: “If North Korea was real vicious, like real sick bastards, they should do some of that medieval shit on South-K. They would, like, rip a whole in your stomach—not enough to kill you, but just enough so’s this giant rat could be shoved in there. And the rat, like, ain’t been fed in days so it goes all crazy eating up inside you. That’s some sick shit. The South wouldn’t rise again from that, I tell you what.”
Wells and this reporter then made plans to rent the train video that was described to him, at some future unnamed date. Representatives from the South Korean embassy refused to respond to questions, and would not stay on the phone long enough to hear the details of the rat story.
the commune news believes any worst-case scenario that doesn’t involve being doused in gasoline hasn’t really thought it out. Boner Cunningham is the commune’s teen correspondent covering teen issues, or at least we think he’s a teen, he is covered in acne.
Algerian Terrorist ‘Hacks’ Can’t Escape Al-Qaeda’s Shadow
Aspiring Islamic terrorists sick of comparisons
2002: The Year in Review
Republicans, snipers big winners in the year of blah
Failed Experiment Produces Hideous Miniature Clone
Raelian attempt to clone human results in horrible by-product
Senator John Edwards Not the Guy Who Talks to Dead
Democratic candidate often confused with same-named medium
Stupid Pakistan Won’t Let Us Chase Stupid Terrorists into Their Stupid Borders
Whole stupid country just exceedingly stupid
U.N. Weapons Inspectors Want to Come Home
Iraq not as fun as they remembered it