2002
The Year in Review
Republicans, snipers big winners in the year of blah
COMMUNE ART DEPT.
Some of the newsmakers that helped make 2002 exactly 365 days long.
|  |
2002 was a banner year for news. As long as the banner said, “BO-RING!”
Yes, as we reach the beginning of a brand new news year, we look back on 2002 with more than a slight Elvis sneer of derision, like a party guest finally leaving with a heavy hangover and leaving our sofa and rug stained with vomit. 2002 may go down in the history books as, “The Year of ‘…Anyway…’”
Like a half-assed sitcom following Friends and preceding ER, much of 2002 felt squashed in-between two major news periods. Following hot on the heels of the events of Sept. 11th and the bombing of Afghanistan that heralded the War on Terror, things settled down into a dreary boredom in 2002 as Americans waited for big news events that still have yet to come—the bombing of Iraq, a resolution to the North Korea situation, and any evidence Osama bin Laden is alive or dead. All original and fascinating news is being greedily reserved by the newsmakers, as if they’re holding out for a news sweeps week.
Early 2002 was host to the Winter Olympics, the globally-conceded most boring of all Olympics, in the globally-conceded most boring state in the union, Utah. Thank whatever you call a God for the much-covered flap when ice-skating Canadians David Pelletier and Jamie Salé were robbed of their rightful gold medal by a sly-footed French judge, or your only memories of it would be a gaggle of fruitcakes slapping a puck with a stick in the atrocity called “curling.”
Much of the early news year was limited to the images of Enron’s senior staff shrugging before a Senate sub-committee with a less-than-convincing “I dunno,” followed by footage of a shrapnel-filled site in downtown Israel as the violence that made the Middle East famous escalated to ludicrous heights, until an all-out assault on Yassir Arafat’s bunker broke the boredom very briefly. There was also Ray Brent Marsh, the Georgia crematorium owner who tossed the bodies in the lake and passed the savings on to you. Thanks to Marsh, along with multiple kidslaughter defendant Andrea Yates and the hockey dad who loved local sports a bit too much, the first few months of 2002 news were occasionally livened up by local heroes.
An historical Oscar win for Best Actor and Best Actress by African-Americans Denzel Washington and Halle Berry helped draw attention away from the fact the Hollywood community now considers Opie the Best Director in its midst. Even the biggest celebrity murderer of the year was only former Little Rascal Robert Blake, leaving Court-TV to wait patiently for the shoplifting trial of Winona Ryder.
Summer gave everyone a little hope for a brighter news year when nine miners faced certain doom, trapped in a mine shaft, and no one was happier when they were retrieved alive and healthy. Then the week ended and everyone went back to bitching about terrorism and the tumbling stock market.
As the rate of insane presidential utterances concerning Iraq increased, Americans hit the peak of the news year when a series of sniper attacks across America finally put an end to superfluous Elvis coverage. However, it wasn’t enough to save a pisser as a news year, and after the sniper suspects were arrested America quieted once again. Republicans received a boost from a record low-voter turnout off-year election and Trent Lott’s ill-conceived pro-segregationist remarks embarrassed the Bush administration, something that is truly hard to do.
News pundits have a great case for 21st century to be the most boring yet, but the commune news is quick to remind everyone 1901-1910 was a pretty crappy decade for news and the 20th century didn’t heat up until the sinking of the Titanic and World War I. We can make this one even better, just keep working at it.
the commune news ushers in a brand new year, flashlight in hand, and making sure there’s no kids ducked behind the seats. Ramrod Hurley is the commune Acting Editor and, we must say, quite an Acting Ass, too.
Failed Experiment Produces Hideous Miniature Clone
Raelian attempt to clone human results in horrible by-product
Senator John Edwards Not the Guy Who Talks to Dead
Democratic candidate often confused with same-named medium
Stupid Pakistan Won’t Let Us Chase Stupid Terrorists into Their Stupid Borders
Whole stupid country just exceedingly stupid
U.N. Weapons Inspectors Want to Come Home
Iraq not as fun as they remembered it
Sales of Crappy Christmas Gifts Reach Record High
If it's lame and cheap, you're getting it for Christmas
Trent Lott on BET: ‘Truly Sizzorry, Homeslice’
Senator busts an apology on Black Entertainment Television
Red Bagel: You the Man of the Year
commune Editor receives not-at-all staged award for fourth time
A Nation Bored: America Waits Patiently for Something, Anything to Happen
An apathetic United States endures a time of deep ho-hum.
22 Dead and Children Delighted by Snowstorm
Extreme temperatures bring death, fun to east coast.
Records Indicate Strom Thurmond Died in 1982
Republican Senator carries on despite timely demise