U.N. Weapons Inspectors
Want to Come Home
Iraq not as fun as they remembered it
JUNIOR BACON
Desperate U.N. weapons inspector waits parked at Iraqi border for the okay to go home.
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A short letter received by the U.N. in the mail Friday stated briefly and succinctly that U.N. weapons inspectors were tired of “dumb-ass Iraq” and wanted “to go home.”
The letter surprised most everybody at the U.N., who believed the weapons inspectors were all very happy in their duties in the Middle East. Weapons inspectors had been in Iraq in years previous to prove Saddam Hussein has kept the country free of nuclear material and other weapons outlawed by their post-Gulf War agreement. Just months ago, before their return, the weapons inspectors were practically “hitting the roof to go back,” according to Secretary-General Kofi Annan.
“You know how weapons inspectors are,” said Annan. “When they’re here, they want to be there. When they’re there, they want to be here.”
Trouble started approximately three weeks ago, when weapons inspectors team leader Hans Blix called Annan at midnight and asked how long they expected the search to last. Annan said he couldn’t be sure, and Blix suggested that they should return home and discuss the length of the trip to Iraq. After Annan refused, Blix called back four hours later and stated the whole team had agreed they were 100% sure Iraq didn’t have any weapons anymore, even though they had only searched a handful of places.
Weapons inspector psychologist Danni Jersey said the behavior was not unusual.
“Most people expect this sort of reaction during the first weapons search,” said Dr. Jersey, “but the truth is that the first trip contains more exploration, the discovery of new places, hopefully without weapons, and new friends. Although it’s somewhat frightening for weapons inspectors, it is still exciting and keeps them involved.
“By the time a second trip comes around, expectations are raised, to unreasonable expectations sometimes. It is impossible to experience the same level of enjoyment and mystery all over again, and there’s naturally some disappointment from the second search. Finding some weapons might make it more exciting, but if not, it’s a matter of reconciling expectations and reality. No wonder they want to come home.”
In the rest of Friday’s letter, weapons inspectors told the U.N. that they had looked everywhere and found no weapons, everyone in Iraq hated them, and they found living conditions were “for shit.” As part of the agreement with the U.N., a “host family” allows one weapons inspector to stay with them in a room they have set up. There have been no formal complaints on either side, but there has been much speculation about tension between host families and inspectors.
“I have nothing against the U.N., or the agreement Iraq has made after the conflict,” said Iraqi Army corporal and host family patriarch Amani El-Abib. “But our weapons inspector, Terry, is quite a disagreeable boy. He never lifts a finger to clean up, he complains about the food, and sometimes I wake up in the morning and find he is searching our kitchen for weapons-grade plutonium. It’s just bad manners to do so without asking permission.”
Terry Gröfberg, a Swedish weapons inspector staying with the El-Abibs, felt similar antagonism for his hosts.
“They’re nice and all, but old man El-Abib is always flying off the handle. He says I’m corrupting his children with my techno music, that I’m acting like an infidel when I ask if there’s any electricity in the house, and that I keep looking at his wife when her veil is off. Dude, his wife’s nice, but not my type at all. Just chill, muslim dude. Not everybody wants your stuff.”
Secretary-General Kofi Annan had expectations that a little tough love would help the weapons inspectors stay focused on their mission.
“It’s not the time for coddling now,” said Annan. “I know they want to come home, but it will be better for them in the long run if they stay. They will fulfill their obligation, possibly help prevent more death from military conflict, and it will build character.”
the commune news sure hopes the weapons inspectors don’t come around here, since Ted Ted seems unwilling to part with that scud in his bottom desk drawer. Ivan Nacutchacokov is a foreign correspondent and general doormat; enjoy taking your frustrations out on him.
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