‘Millions Watching Robots Battle to Death’ Actually Boring
Prediction of grim futuristic bloodsports turning out to be a real letdown 
BY TED TED New York City, NY

JUNIOR BACON for the commune Killing machines destroy each other for delight of Roman-esque Americans

Pulp magazines of the ‘50s as well as sci-fi literature and movies by the dozens accurately predicted the future of entertainment when they envisioned a day when millions of Americans would watch battles to the death between robot opponents. Few, though, imagined it would be so boring and lame.

Television shows like Comedy Central’s Battle Bots and similar specials and series from around the world are proving to be the unlikely source for futuristic robot death battles. Though many differ on some points, all prove to be astoundingly dull in the destruction of technologically-advanced killing machines.

“As a boy, I anticipated with fear and wonder the day robots would be used to entertain the masses,” said M.I.T. Professor of Robotics Larry Karmen, “but yeah, I didn’t really see it like this. I don’t even know where to start.”

The robots on Battle Bots are typically remote-controlled, less than two feet tall, and are equipped with standard woodshop equipment like saws, drills, and occasionally a blowtorch of some sort. Robot operators range from dateless thirteen-year-old child prodigies to 50-year-old dateless unemployed construction workers.

“I guess the names are cool,” said robot enthusiast and publisher of Future Age magazine Don Hogarth. “You have names like ‘The Revolver’ and ‘Fireblast,’ real awesome Transformer-like names. And then the robot comes out and it’s like a little George Foreman grill on wheels. And you get real annoyed as it just spins around while another robot named ‘Mass Destruction’ hits it with a hammer on the end of a miniature crane.”

“The problem is obviously related to budget,” stated Professor Karmen. “Comedy Central and the British TV program its Battle Bots was based on had the right idea, but a lousy budget. Basic cable is not capable of building the 20-foot-tall fire-breathing self-running destruction machines we originally envisioned for this kind of mayhem. Most kids operating out of their garage are not going to have the kind of funding to build a competitive robot on that level, and neither are their mothers. Unless all these millionaires who are spending money to fly around the world in balloons get their stuff together and start building city- crushing robots, I don’t see much improvement on the battling robot front for many years to come.”

When told of the dissenting opinion of robot battle sports, Comedy Central Battle Bots star Slaughterhouse became infuriated and began to smash up its dressing room with a hammer on a tiny crane arm.

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