Top commune Searches: Double-Buck Naked  • Runyuns  • Lil Duncan Lesbo Video  • Shamu's Splashtime Adventure
            nbsp; 
      

Condit Slams Media
for Lack of Publicity

Congressman determined to be “number one story” once more 

RUFUS BANGER/AP
Senator Condit demands return to invasion of privacy
California Congressman Gary Condit, upset at his absence from national headlines lately, has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to get his name back in the public eye again soon.

Speaking today at a rally in a town square in the heart of what he refers to as “Condit Country,” the long-time member of the House of Representatives and noted blow-dry enthusiast told a crowd of five hookers, three migrant workers, a homeless man with a skinny dog tied to his shopping cart and a pair of ten-year-old skateboarders that he was determined to become the “number one story in all America” once more.

In a rousing bit of oratory, the Congressman pointed his finger at the crowd and said, in a voice that hardly sounded at all as if he’d been taken over by space aliens, “What do I have to do, kill another intern? I’ll kill an intern, if that’s what it takes. That’s how dedicated I am to you, the people who vote. When you go to the polls, I want you to remember the name Condit. Of course, it’s not as if I’ve already killed any interns, you understand. After all, I do have a solemn agreement with the Levy family that I will not talk about the murder or subsequent disappearance of their daughter, Chandra, or any of the particulars of my personal involvement in that bloody business, but I’m just saying, I’ll go that extra mile for you. Because I care about you, and I care about your votes.”

Privately, Condit blamed the media for his recent lack of headlines.

“Ever since that ridiculous dustup in New York, it’s gotten harder and harder to get my picture in the paper,” he said with a grimace. “In just one short week, I went from twenty-seven national face shots—and I mean front page!—to zero. Zero, zip, zilch, nada. Hell, I had to send a publicity photo of me holding a bloody knife along with a stack of hundred dollar bills laced with anthrax to the Enquirer just to get a bottom-third headline a month ago. Bastards.”

Acknowledging the fact that he could possibly lose an election for the first time in his political career, Condit admitted that he did have a backup plan, just in case.

“In that event—which, according to my staff and my family, is highly unlikely—I do have a contingency plan. My contention is that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep my name out there for the public. So, if for some unforeseen reason we actually lose this election, I’ve got a provisional contract with the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas to do six shows a week under the billing ‘Gary Cee and His Spectacular Disappearing Interns.’ Hell, I could make millions just doing that,” the Congressman admitted. “Those bitches work cheaper than you’d ever imagine, and there’s never a shortage of supply.”

Asked how he would handle a return to life outside the Beltway, Condit brushed off the idea that it would require a big adjustment.

“You know, I came up the hard way,” he said, “going door to door selling hair-care products and blowing guys in gas station rest rooms for pocket change. I know what it’s like to have to scrabble. Just don’t you worry about me, bub, I’ll get along fine.”

In response to Congressman Condit’s remarks, the Levy family issued a prepared statement through a designated spokesperson, who said, “What the fuckin’-ay cocksuckin’ hell? Shit! Shit-fuck! Fuck that shit! Fuckin’ fuckety goddamn motherfuckin’ fuck.”

the commune news would like to cruise for hot mamas at this time. Did you know that you are Boner Cunningham’s hero? You are the wind beneath Boner Cunningham’s seat.


Milestones
1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his “My Friend Polio” column, originally titled “Why I Peed in the Water Fountain.”

Now Hiring
Web Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now.
Best Selling Albums
1. 
Come On
Britney Spears
2. 
I Keep Returning Like Freddy Krueger
Madonna
3. 
Passable Generic Metal
Creed
4. 
Farting to Critical Raves
Radiohead
5. 
Fossils
Aerosmith



Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.





U IGNORANT

Handimaster 3000

Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise

UPC Television Network