|
Condit Slams Media for Lack of Publicity
Congressman determined to be “number one story” once more
BY
BONER CUNNINGHAM Serialkill, CA
RUFUS BANGER/AP
Senator Condit demands return to invasion of privacy
|
|
California Congressman Gary Condit, upset at his absence from
national headlines lately, has vowed to do “whatever it takes” to
get his name back in the public eye again soon.
Speaking today at a rally in a town square in the heart of what he
refers to as “Condit Country,” the long-time member of the House of
Representatives and noted blow-dry enthusiast told a crowd of five
hookers, three migrant workers, a homeless man with a skinny dog
tied to his shopping cart and a pair of ten-year-old skateboarders
that he was determined to become the “number one story in all
America” once more.
In a rousing bit of oratory, the Congressman pointed his finger at
the crowd and said, in a voice that hardly sounded at all as if he’d
been taken over by space aliens, “What do I have to do, kill another
intern? I’ll kill an intern, if that’s what it takes. That’s how
dedicated I am to you, the people who vote. When you go to the
polls, I want you to remember the name Condit. Of course, it’s not
as if I’ve already killed any interns, you understand. After all, I
do have a solemn agreement with the Levy family that I will not talk
about the murder or subsequent disappearance of their daughter,
Chandra, or any of the particulars of my personal involvement in
that bloody business, but I’m just saying, I’ll go that extra mile
for you. Because I care about you, and I care about your votes.”
Privately, Condit blamed the media for his recent lack of headlines.
“Ever since that ridiculous dustup in New York, it’s gotten harder
and harder to get my picture in the paper,” he said with a grimace.
“In just one short week, I went from twenty-seven national face
shots—and I mean front page!—to zero. Zero, zip, zilch,
nada. Hell, I had to send a publicity photo of me holding a bloody
knife along with a stack of hundred dollar bills laced with anthrax
to the Enquirer just to get a bottom-third headline a month ago.
Bastards.”
Acknowledging the fact that he could possibly lose an election for
the first time in his political career, Condit admitted that he did
have a backup plan, just in case.
“In that event—which, according to my staff and my family, is
highly unlikely—I do have a contingency plan. My contention is
that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and I’m willing to do
whatever it takes to keep my name out there for the public. So, if
for some unforeseen reason we actually lose this election, I’ve got
a provisional contract with the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas to do
six shows a week under the billing ‘Gary Cee and His Spectacular
Disappearing Interns.’ Hell, I could make millions just doing that,”
the Congressman admitted. “Those bitches work cheaper than you’d
ever imagine, and there’s never a shortage of supply.”
Asked how he would handle a return to life outside the Beltway,
Condit brushed off the idea that it would require a big adjustment.
“You know, I came up the hard way,” he said, “going door to door
selling hair-care products and blowing guys in gas station rest
rooms for pocket change. I know what it’s like to have to scrabble.
Just don’t you worry about me, bub, I’ll get along fine.”
In response to Congressman Condit’s remarks, the Levy family issued
a prepared statement through a designated spokesperson, who said,
“What the fuckin’-ay cocksuckin’ hell? Shit! Shit-fuck! Fuck that
shit! Fuckin’ fuckety goddamn motherfuckin’ fuck.”
the commune news would like to cruise for hot mamas at this time.
Did you know that you are Boner Cunningham’s hero? You are the wind
beneath Boner Cunningham’s seat.
|
|