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Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart Transplant Recipient of world's first sugar-based replacement heart fairs well BYRED BAGEL Indianapolis, IN
JUNIOR BACON for the commune
Sugar-based heart keeps Tarwell alive, sweet
On Saturday Ollie Tarwell of Decatur, Illinois entered the medical history books as the world’s first candy heart
transplant. Tarwell’s doctors say his recovery is going surprisingly well in these initial post-op stages.
Tarwell, a 62-year-old ladder climber, had been waiting two years for a donor heart due to a weakening of his
own heart after the cancellation of Baywatch. Doctors were growing increasingly alarmed Tarwell would
never make the top of the donor list, as it’s all in who you know.
“Finally, we got desperate and drank a few bottles of Kentucky Bourbon between all of us,” stated Tarwell’s
surgeon Michael Matuzo, “and I think at that point someone bet me I wouldn’t put a candy heart in him. By the
time I woke up out of the haze I was already closing and he was showing good signs.”
The candy heart, which is the size of a human fist and purchased at a novelty store in Indianapolis next to the
hospital, reads, “Love Machine” on the front. Doctors are surprised at how well it pumps blood throughout the
body and shows no signs of failure. And because it’s candy, the body refuses to reject it.
“The transplant team couldn’t agree in entirety on what to use,” said Matuzo, fielding questions about the surgery.
“A few of us liked the message ‘Sweet Thing,’ but the rest of us thought it sounded gay. I’d hate to be in a traffic
accident, lying all cut up next to my heart and have it saying ‘Sweet Thing’ when the paramedics show up. How
weird is that?”
Tarwell is already out of bed and reportedly cleaning his floor of the hospital, but doctors say after the initial sugar
high wears off he will likely resume normal activity with only a headache as a side-effect. In order to keep his
candy heart functioning properly, he is under strict orders to exercise, diet, and eat a pound of sugar or artificial
sweetner a day.
The nation’s transplant doctors are reacting with fervor in the wake of the surprising medical miracle. Seven new
candy heart transplants are being planned this week, and doctors are already looking into the feasibility of candy
livers, kidneys, and pancreas.
“Frankly,” said surgeon Donald Bakley, “pancreatic transplant isn’t likely to be too successful. Once you can
make a candy organ that is capable of producing normal amounts of insulin, you’ve also just loaded the body with
the biggest piece of sugar available. Talk about a catch-22.”
Tarwell is expected to make a full recovery and resume his former ladder-scaling business. Candy organ transplant
groups have also begun fervently razzing scientists working on cloning human organs, jeering at them to “Catch up.”
If you run a candy store and would like to donate organs upon your death, please fill out the back of your driver’s
license and specify “candy” under the heading “type.”
the commune news… don’t that beat all! Red Bagel is the commune’s fearless editor and wearer of fine
Colombian hats.
Milestones
1983: Red Bagel is thrown out of a casino for counting cards. He is not cheating, merely trying to settle a bet
with a friend on how many decks the casino uses.
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