Special Investigator to Interrogate Al Qaeda Prisoners
San Francisco's Harry Callahan anxious to talk to terrorists alone in stock room
BY
LIL DUNCAN Washington, DC
JUNIOR BACON
Callahan fires a warning shot in the direction of Cuba
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The White House announced today that a special investigator has been chosen by Attorney
General John Ashcroft to question Al Qaeda prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay,
Cuba. After much consideration, Ashcroft’s choice was San Francisco detective “Dirty”
Harry Callahan.
“Callahan is one of the best interrogators anywhere,” Ashcroft told reporters. “For an
investigation of this caliber, we decided to call in someone outside the FBI and CIA to take
over the questioning at this point.”
Controversy surrounds Callahan, who has been labeled by the ACLU and Serial Killers’
Trade Union as a “dangerous, reckless monster” who will stop at nothing until he gets what
he wants.
“Say what you will,” Ashcroft responded to the charges, “Callahan gets results.”
Inspector Callahan, who has earned the nickname “Dirty” Harry among his colleagues,
fielded a few questions after Ashcroft’s introduction.
A reporter from the Washington Post confronted Callahan about charges of brutality and
the disregard for procedure, particularly concerning First Amendment rights. Squinting,
Callahan leaned into the microphone and whispered menacingly, “What about the rights of
those two buildings?”
Ashcroft began chuckling under his breath until he tumbled out of his chair.
White House officials confirmed Callahan would be traveling to Guantanamo Bay
immediately to begin his interrogation of the Al Qaeda “ragheads,” in his words. Already
Callahan has begun his plan, requesting five minutes alone with each prisoner unsupervised,
which was immediately granted by the Ashcroft.
Assisting Callahan in matters of interrogation will be his recently-assigned partner, also from
San Francisco, Ruiz de Santo. De Santo, a young officer fresh from the beat to the
detective squad, is excited about his opportunity to work with Callahan.
“Sure, he’s a little gruff,” De Santo said with a cheery smile, “but underneath that I’m sure
he’s a good guy. You wait and see. After all this I’m going to invite him over to the house
for dinner with the wife and kids. He’ll be a family man by the time we’re done, I’ll bet my
life on it.”
Callahan has recently aroused controversy by calling the trial of alleged Al Qaeda terrorist
Richard Reid a “sham” and proposing trials of terrorists be cut short so they could be taken
out back and shot on live television. Civil rights advocates were outraged, especially at
Callahan’s suggestion that current airline policies for dealing with unruly passengers be
replaced.
“When I see a whacko trying to light his shoe bomb on fire, I shoot the bastard, that’s my
policy,” stated Callahan.
The White House is optimistic that Callahan will retrieve valuable information that could
lead to the dismantling of the Al Qaeda terrorist network, and perhaps even the capture of
Osama bin Laden.
“By the time Callahan’s through with one of those guys,” President Bush said, “we’ll know
everything from where he was born to how many times his girlfriend farts in bed. The
terrorist being questioned, I mean, not Callahan.”
the commune news is now ready to jump on the big scooter fad. Lil Duncan is a senior
correspondent for the commune and can turn the world on with her smile and flash of her
breasts.
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