|
Ashcroft Leads Hands-On Instruction Team
Attorney General seeks to nip terrorism in the bud
BY
BONER CUNNINGHAM Hindquarter, VA
ALEXA DOOGLE for the commune
At-risk youths await anti-terrorist training
|
|
All it took was one crying 10-year-old boy spotted bolting out of a prominent
federal office, wearing what appeared to be darkly-stained lederhosen, to signal a
surprising new twist in the ongoing war against terrorism.
Citing a need to “keep American boys on their toes and pure from the effects of
Islamic terrorists,” Attorney General John Ashcroft, in an impromptu press
conference yesterday, unveiled a plan to teach young men from the ages of 8 to 15
how to recognize the signs that they are being, or are about to be, recruited,
seduced and/or molested by Muslim fanatics. In an unprecedented gesture of
self-sacrifice, and sweating profusely as he spoke, the Attorney General said that
he has taken it upon himself to personally teach “as many boys as I possibly can.”
“You’ve got to get them young,” Ashcroft said. “Otherwise, there’s no telling what
kind of corrupting influences they may have had that will keep them from realizing
the terrible tragedy that potentially awaits them at the hands of these
fundamentalist zealots. That’s why I’m making it my personal mission to educate
these fine, young, trim, well-proportioned… uh… boys.”
“It’s a known fact that these terrorists are bound and determined to infiltrate our
society and subjugate our way of life by forcibly introducing our youth to the
Homosexual Agenda,” Ashcroft went on to say. “Why, just look at the pictures we
have of them—most of them walk around every day in these long white dresses! You
can’t tell me these fellows aren’t a little light in their loafers, or sandals, or
whatever it is they wear on their feet. Maybe kicky black patent leather pumps, who
knows?”
The program apparently involves hands-on demonstrations of the types of Arabic
buggery that Ashcroft claims is widespread throughout the Middle East, and that
poses a significant threat to the well-being of male American youth. “We show
them—and I mean we show them good—just what those terrorists have in store for
them if they’re not careful. After all, you know what it says in that fake Bible of
theirs, the Also-ran—excuse me, I mean the Ko-ran—‘in sexual congress, for
children, a woman. For pleasure, a boy.’ It also goes on to say, ‘for real
pleasure, like you’ve never had before, an overripe melon,’ but we’ll leave the
melons alone for the time being. Better, we think, to concentrate on the boys.”
When asked about the actual methods of instruction, Ashcroft said, “We simply
follow what it says in the real Bible—you know, ‘Thy rod and thy staff, they
comfort me.’ We also like the passage that says ‘Thou anointest me with oil.’ In
fact, we’re ordering up dozens of cases of Crisco for this project, with the money
coming out of the Homeland Security budget. I’m envisioning a number of one-on-one,
or maybe a few two-on-one sessions, as many as I can fit into my schedule, with as
many young, nubile, half-dressed… er… boys as we can recruit, here in my private,
comfortable, tastefully-appointed office.”
The Attorney General, when asked if he had a list of boys who might qualify for
this training, replied that he had approximately 600 young men in mind to get the
program off the ground, but that he would not reveal any names, on the grounds of
national security. “You think I want to hand Osama bin Laden a ready-made list of
American boys to pursue for his evil, filthy machinations? No sir. No sir. We’re
keeping this list private, and that’s that. Just me and Ari and Karl. Not even the
president has access to those names. No sir.” Ashcroft then mopped the considerable
sweat from his brow and called an end to the press conference, ignoring the muffled
wails heard far down the corridor from his office.
the commune news is like a burst of fruit flavor, or a burst of something at least.
Boner Cunningham feels it is his appointed duty, he keeps trying to tell me, uh
huh, all you want to do is use me.
|
|