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IOC claims decision not politically influenced
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Prediction of grim futuristic blood sports turning out to be a real letdown
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Former heavyweight champ stumps politicians
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Big golf guy, insufferable jerk puts out new book
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Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
Where a kid can be a kid? I think not. Where a kid can be an unpaid source of exploitable labor is more like it. And this doesn’t happen in a third world country or Canada where you might expect it, all.
• Last Issue: Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
• From the Vaults: The Real Reason for Afghanistan
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Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds
I’ll be damned if the fabled home of the Chicago Cubans isn’t the biggest stinker of the bunch, naming their stadium after a cheap line of plastic insect replicas aimed at gullible kids.
• Last Issue: Sick and Tired
• From the Vaults: Porno Broke My VCR
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A Piper Bill for Quebec
If there’s one thing Ned hates, it’s dribbling baby eyeballs. Seemingly everywhere: in Ned’s taco, spreadable on toast, and in the wheel-well of his car even! Cereal boxes so jam-packed that there’s not even room for the cereal itself.
• Last Issue: Flush it Down, Charlie Brown
• From the Vaults: Migglio the Monkey
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Collect and Swap All 36 Rok Finger Trading Cards
My good friends at Tapps Trading Cards came to me with a high-concept idea to raise money for the troops, and who else but Rok Finger was on their list? I’m not sure since I haven’t seen said list, but I’m happy to help.
• Last Issue: I Have Been Certified A Dancing Machine
• From the Vaults: Doin' Fine
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Flood
One year a flood hit our town, and it was among the most horrible things that ever happened. Over 20 people were killed, and I liked three of them. It made me very sad.
• Last Issue: Pants
• From the Vaults: First Kiss
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Say What You Will, But I Still Don’t Like Midgets
I know you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, and that there are good and bad in every group. But I challenge you to argue that you’d take the time to read a book who’s cover thoroughly creeped you out, or one that had just pissed all over the side of your house like some kind of water witch lawn toy.
• Last Issue: Conundrums Along the Mohawk
• From the Vaults: Take Them Out to the Guillotine
• more columns
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February 4, 2002
Aloha, America! Nope, I’m not reporting to you from sunny Hawaii today, but that was a pretty good guess. I’m just in a sunshine and grass skirt kind of mood today; I can’t explain it.
Volume 13
We at the commune do not condone violence against women, unless they are in some sort of pro-wrestling outfit, or are Diana Ross. We are sympathetic with your plight, yet sickened by your very existence.
Fortune 8
"We brought the outside indoors by having gallons of clean gasoline sloshing around inside a giant plexiglass dolphin," he explained, showing me around the lobby.
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The Man in the Baloney Suit
There once was a man in a baloney suit, who danced on the street corner all day. He’d dance a jig when the mood struck him, and then repeat it without much delay.
The Land and the Sea
The land is in love with the sea, you see? And drinks it in nightly and day (time). When the land it breathes in, the ocean runs to him, and when he exhales the sea runs away.
Call of the Bugle Boy
All this talk of suckin’ reminds me of an awful urge I gotten lately, Shorty. You know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Yessir, every once in a cycle I get me the hankerin’ to lissen up to some bugle music. Which reminds me here of a story I do believe you ain’t heard none yet. It’s about an ol’ army boy, bugle player, Donny Calhoun.
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Milestones
1992: Ramon Nootles is married in Las Vegas. It is not the last wedding for Nootles, nor his last in Las Vegas, nor his last making heavy use of alcohol and strippers.
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Now Hiring
Hooker. Must pretend to be girlfriend while bosses are visiting. Live with handsome
bachelor, no sex involved, go on crazy shopping expeditions with high potential for
comedy. Should be capable of winning people over with down-to-earth personality.
If successful, will go on to become full-time beard for obviously gay attractive man.
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Top Box Office
1. |
Ashley Judd's Weird Appeal
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Black Man Down
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3. |
The Royal Waterbong
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4. |
Trailer for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
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5. |
Freddie Prinze Jr. Smiles Dumbly For 90 Minutes
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Copyright © 2002 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.
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U IGNORANT
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Handimaster 3000
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Miniver Cheevy's 1000-Watt Television Paradise
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UPC Television Network
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Now Playing at You're Shittin' Me Theater
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the commune's
Quote of the Day |
It's Here! |
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