Lookin' a Gassed Horse in the Mouse Ned Nedmiller, Concerned Housewife
Monday, Oct. 15, 2001
Nedwrinkle Nedmiller has a dream, ladies and gentlementarians. It is a dream that one day
a giant mouse will come to town driving a fire truck, and everyone will give that mouse
money, but Nedmiller will be out of money. Ned spent all his money buying cream pies to
throw at the governor on the Eve of Meringue, a holiday tradition that goes back as far
as the settlin’ days, when the wild coyotes played Frisbee in the prairies and them
prairie dogs done pushed a couch into the river and nobody can get their undershorts
washed for Sunday churchin’ because of it. Goddamn them prairie dogs.
In this dream Nedmonkey’s got no cash to be givin to the fire-truck driving mouse, and is
feeling right ashamed because of it. The rest of the town is having a grand old time,
giving the firetruck mouse their tens and twenties, their fives and their rare
commemorative eight dollar bills that were minted so folks wouldn’t have to break a
twenty when they’re renting rollerskates for the annual Holy Molar-Rink skating party
to promote good teeth and God and all. Though Ned always had to break a 20 anyways since
he liked to get his skates sharpened and his incisors capped on a yearly basis.
So every damned body is forking over their greenbacks to the fire-truck driving mouse,
little kids be smashing open their pigglybanks with little newborn puppies and women older
than Union Steel are prying open them change purses to fling their buffalo nickels at
the mouse. And there’s Nedrumple, penniless and excluded, feelin’ like a polo jockey on
prom night.
So Ned hops on the back of a pair of safety scissors that’re waltzin down the street, and
rides them lefties to Giant Land, where things is bigger than average. Ned sneaks into a
giant’s house and steals himself a gigantic mousetrap from the giant’s attic. On the way
out, Ned hears a boomin’ voice speak out “Feeb Flies Fort Fumes! I Smell the Cologne of
an Old Spice Man!” but Nedrip is purely an ambergris kind of Nedmiller so the biggun
must’ve been speaking to another tiny man come visiting from the Land of Average-Sized
Things. Anyhow, t’was not Ned’s concern so he made his way back home via a hole in the
Time-Life Conundrum, picking up some butterfly milk on the way home.
Once back in the Land of Things Not So Large, Ned set up them giant mouse-trap in the
middle of Rhubarb street, aimin’ to teach that giant mouse a lesson about comin’ to town
and acceptin’ money from everybody on days when Nedro was flush out of funds. Ned was
about to think up a brilliant plan to lure them mouse into them hinged contraption of doom
when out of nowhere the governor came running up to see if the mouse would take
Mastercard. The gov’ner done stepped in one of Ned’s cream pies, which stuck to his shoe
and he stumbled right into the giant mouse trap, which cut him in half like a giant
fellow bent on making a meal of governors.
It was as tragic a scene as Ned has been witness to in the last three-quarters of an hour,
but when that trap came down on the governor, just before he was divided into two equal
half-governors, he let out a squeak just like a giant mouse would be expected to do,
resulting in such comedy that Ned and the giant mouse laughed themselves half silly.
Having bonded so completely, Ned and the giant mouse went and sat on top of the great
pyramid and ate giant flavored gumdrops, best friends from that day forward. Until moments
later when Ned was woken up quite unexpectedly by crabs a-nibblin’ on his toes and the
dreamtime was done. Ned Nedmiller has this dream.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
Lost My Way on the Slow Gray Train
Ned and the Titanic were like peas in a pod, and he entertained the guests and crew day and night with his inflatable pacemaker and a metal box that he claimed to contain Spain.
Check His Nipples, He May Be the King
But in truth, when one truly studies the unpublished crumbs and discarded scraps of History, an entirely different story comes into focus. It is the story of Ned Nedmiller and the Laughing Machine.
Please Hamlet Don't Hurt 'Em
It’s a day that will live in infancy forever and never, that damnable day the Kaiser gunned down ol’ JFK.
Rubber Ain't My Brother
Time to set the record straight, Pop'n Fresh. Who's in the kitchen with Dinah? Neddikins Nedmiller, them's the cat! Surprise!