Conundrums Along the Mohawk
the commune's Reed Spacer insists that there aren't any stupid questions, only stu... no, wait. Nevermind. 

Monday, Jan. 21, 2002
All right, listen up, we haven’t got all day here. This is some important stuff, so pay attention. Being the philosophical sort of sonofabitch that I am, a lot of folks have asked me over the years, “Reed, what’s the meaning of life?” and many other stupid and useless philosophical questions. Usually I just tell them all to go piss up a rope, but today I’m feeling magnanimous, so I’m going to answer a few of those questions for you, the inquisitive reader.

One of the questions I’ve heard over the course of my many years on the planet is this one: “If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a noise?”

Okay, first off, let me say that I believe that may be one of the all-time stupidest questions anyone has ever asked. Why it keeps getting asked is beyond me. But, as I said, I’m here today to give you some answers, so let’s go to town on this one. Of course it makes a noise. The bigger the tree, the bigger the noise it makes. Have you ever seen a tree fall in the forest, even on TV or in the movies? It makes a big old sound, doesn’t it? Crash! Bam! Loud, you know what I’m saying? Just imagine, all that timber hitting the ground, the branches crashing through the undergrowth, scaring hell out of all the animals, the dust billowing up and leaves and splinters flying every which way. Trust me, it makes a sound, all right. I don’t want to have to tell you yahoos again. Okay, next question.

Another one I’ve heard a lot is this ridiculous query: “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

They don’t get much easier than that, do they? I’ll tell you what, unless your face or your ass cheek happens to be in the path of that one hand, the sound of one hand clapping is exactly nothing. Silence. You ever see a one-armed man try to clap? He waves his hand sideways in the air in front of him, and it’s just pathetic. The only sound you could possibly get out of that is the whooshing of the air around him, and that hardly makes any noise at all. I don’t know why anyone ever worried about such a dumb idea anyway.

Okay, let’s sum up what we’ve learned so far: If a tree falls, there’s noise. One hand clapping, no noise. Are you keeping up with me here? This isn’t rocket surgery, people.

Now this last one may seem a little bit trickier to some of you out there, but really it’s just as simple as the others. Remember how I said at the beginning of the column that people were always asking me, “Reed, what’s the meaning of life?” If you don’t remember, I want you to go back and read the first paragraph again. Go on, I’ll wait.

All right now, are we all on the same page? Good. Let’s get right down to it, then. What is the meaning of life? Think about this in your tiny brains for one second, will you? What is it that keeps this world spinning, that drives people everywhere, that fuels our desires, our needs and our wants, and is responsible for virtually every major world event, good and bad, since time immemorial? That’s right, booze and pussy. Booze and pussy! How much simpler could it be? I’m telling you people, the easy answers are always the best.

So there you have it. The answers to some of the most overblown, overhyped philosophical questions of man’s existence, just like that. In a nutshell, what I’m saying is noise, no noise, booze and pussy. Simple as that. Now get out of here and become one with everything before I enlighten your ass with my foot.