I couldn’t be more disappointed with the commune. Well, I suppose I could, if you were to
say something bad about that charming young man from that show Jag. But right
now I’m very upset as it is. My dog will no longer “go” on the commune. For the past few
months Mumps was quite a good little dog, but ever since you started running those awful
stories about terrorism he just can’t make his business on the commune. What do you have
to say for yourselves?
Ezra Gallworth
Tupelo, Mississippi
Dear Ezra:
We’re fascinated with the idea of your dog taking a dump on a monitor with a digitized
picture of Sampson L. Hartwig on it. But we’re unable to help at all, we don’t make the
news, at least not much of it, we only report it. Terrorism has never been conducive to
gastro-intestinal health, as studies at Johns Hopkins and Omar Bricks’ Fourth of July
parties has often revealed.
Perhaps you should let your dog out to make on the lawn once in a while, you grizzled old
fossil. Or stop feeding him that dust-covered bowl of breath mints that’s been on your
coffee table since Eisenhower’s inaugural address. Thanks for writing and may your life
alert beeper continue to function properly for many hours to come.
the commune
Dear commune:
I am extremely upset with the commune and your “This Space For Rent” column. Each
week a parade of idiots are allowed to express their bizarre and insipid opinions, and for
what? No, seriously, what? How much does it cost? It’s downright offensive.
Maybe I could understand better if I didn’t know about the case of my cousin, Nestor.
Again and again Nestor has petitioned to present a column on illiteracy for your web
publication and each week, even after he has presented you with a check for the “This
Space For Rent” fee, he is turned away. Obviously the commune is not quite the freedom-
loving news source they present themselves as.
You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves, and I mean more so. Don’t count on me to be
checking out the commune anymore.
"Weak Hat" Tim McGee
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Dear "Weak Hat":
We at the commune remember your cousin Nestor quite well. It’s difficult to forget the man
who gets lodged in the revolving door of your office each week. Nestor has been here
several times, yes, and we have continuously told him he is welcome to present a column
on illiteracy to us for the commune to print. Our refusal to publish his column has nothing
to do with his “for” opinion on illiteracy and everything to do with the fact we can’t publish
strange markings or rips in notebook paper as they do not actually comprise a “column”
per se.
Also, though Nestor has written us several checks, we are unable to cash any of them since
he cannot sign them, make them out to anybody, specify any monetary amount, nor does he
actually have a checking account. Checks are also not allowed to be written on Charmen
toilet paper, to the best of our knowledge.
Please find whatever hole in the fence your cousin is escaping through and block it off. Our
revolving door can only take so much. Thanks for writing.
the commune
Dear commune:
I had a dream last night and you were a real asshole.
We were out fishing in this boat, and I was using turkey and cheese for bait and you were
using a small tactical missile. Then, without warning, you ate me whole without chewing.
What was that about? I thought we were friends.
The rest of the dream went on for a few hours, at least it seemed like a few hours, but I
don’t really know much about it because I was inside your stomach and it was very dark.
I think I heard Faye Dunaway’s voice but I don’t know for sure.
What a cock-basket you are.
Miles M. Coltrane
Harlan, New Hampshire
Dear Miles:
How strange it is you’re basically a supporting player in your own dream. Perhaps you
should seek professional help for the long list of issues you have, then come back to us
and complain about our dreamlife alter-egoes.
the commune
Editor's Note:
the commune is not responsible for the national shortage of cool bands, blame terrorism if it
makes you feel punchy. All our letters are tested for biological contagions, then we score
them on Cosmo’s “Ten Ways to Satisfy Your Man” quiz.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
Volume 8
Thank you for your invitation, but we find the whole thing very sad.
Volume 7
Like most teenage English majors, it appears that you’ve confused poetry with reality.
Volume 6
We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation
ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our
collective.
Volume 5
This is our most recent mission statement, and it hangs proudly
on the door of our New York offices: “I don’t see any bright ideas
coming from you, Mr. Bigshot with the fat mouth and all.”
Volume 4
Whoa, I think you totally mis-read us, Greg. Obviously
the commune respects everyone in the world and their lifestyle
choices, especially homosexuals.
Volume 3
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan.
He knows when you're sleeping he knows when you've
been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house!
Merry Christmas!
Volume 2
We treat you like a queen and it's never good enough. Fuck this
insane bullshit. You're afraid to be loved.
Volume 1
Also, we do not manufacture TVs. We are a website. You must have purchased your
television elsewhere.