Ed Phillips here again. I was in the midst of another college prank, trying to see how many
people I could squeeze in my Yugo when the cops came down on me hard, those punks.
As usual, they didn’t understand and were very forceful in arresting me, although I told
them, to be fair, I didn’t kill any of them myself.
With all the terrorism and crap happening lately, I can sort of understand why the
overreaction. So many Americans are willing to relinquish a little bit of freedom to make
themselves feel safer. I, however, am not. How do we strike a balance? Do I have to
write a signed letter with a notary public signature or something to verify that I am willing
to sacrifice any security at all in order to retain all my freedoms? If that’s the case, I would
also like to sacrifice the current security I have in order to gain new freedoms other
Americans do not enjoy.
If it sounds good to you, I’d prefer to be shot at maybe once or twice a day in order to
enjoy legalized marijuana. If I could have sex with underage teenage girls without
repercussions you could go ahead and give like three or four of them some serious
disease or a huge boyfriend, that would give me pretty good odds, I think. I’m also
looking for a way to commit a murder here or there, but I’m not sure what I can sacrifice,
maybe you could serve me some bad undercooked pork or something real dangerous.
I have to go as I just made bail, God bless mom and that bake sale. I’ll be mailing this on
the way home and thinking up some good freedoms I’d like to get as well as securities I
don’t really need.
Ed Phillips
Hackensack, NJ
Dear commune:
I have recently discovered your online publication and have to say I enjoy it, though I don’t
always agree with it. As an alternative source of news and opinions, it’s successful in
presenting ideas usually not found in the mainstream media.
I find all of the columnists very interesting, though I have to admit I don’t enjoy Ned
Nedmiller at all. It’s nothing personal against the man, I just don’t understand him. He
barely seems to be speaking English, and none of it amounts to any sort of sense to me.
What is the story with Nedmiller?
Deborah Kling
Daisy, ID
Dear Deborah:
Sorry, but we’re not sure what you mean. We have no Ned Nedmiller on staff at the
commune.
the commune
Dear commune:
I am writing Dark Shadows fan fiction for the famous Dark Shadows
website BarnabusBytes.com. As is usual, I try to stay true to the vernacular of the period.
My questions: What is the past tense of smote? My initial thought was that it is smot, but
my friends say that’s not true, Barnabus would never say he smot someone. Arnie said
smote is the past-tense of smite and the past-participle is smitten, but I thought smitten was
a good thing, to say you were smitten by someone, whereas to smote someone is very bad.
So what is it?
By the way, feel free to check out all the great Dark Shadows fan fiction by me
(SheriffJonas@aol.com) and other fans at
BarnabusBytes.com!
SheriffJonas@aol.com
Dear SheriffJonas:
Smote is a dangerous street drug lethal if taken in large amounts anally, though the same
could be said of just about anything. Smite was the 19th vice-president of the United
States, killed in a duel over smote, ironically. Smitten is the famous German candy with a
touch of cinnamon.
Thank you for your invitation, but we find the whole thing very sad. At least that’s the
general reaction as we passed a printed copy of your e-mail around the office, though
some found it hard not to laugh long and loud.
the commune
Editor's Note:
the commune is not responsible for your outfit, we distinctly said you didn’t have to wear
that dress tonight. So put on the red light, Roooooooooooooooxaaaaaaaanne.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
Volume 7
Like most teenage English majors, it appears that you’ve confused poetry with reality.
Volume 6
We're not sure how you found out about our top-secret initiation
ceremony, but we're not happy knowing we have a leak among our
collective.
Volume 5
This is our most recent mission statement, and it hangs proudly
on the door of our New York offices: “I don’t see any bright ideas
coming from you, Mr. Bigshot with the fat mouth and all.”
Volume 4
Whoa, I think you totally mis-read us, Greg. Obviously
the commune respects everyone in the world and their lifestyle
choices, especially homosexuals.
Volume 3
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan.
He knows when you're sleeping he knows when you've
been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house!
Merry Christmas!
Volume 2
We treat you like a queen and it's never good enough. Fuck this
insane bullshit. You're afraid to be loved.
Volume 1
Also, we do not manufacture TVs. We are a website. You must have purchased your
television elsewhere.