Damn. Damn, damn, damn. I just learned the word damn.
If there’s one thing I hate, commune, it’s being limited to
hating just one thing. There are so many ugly things out there
to hate. Why did it take me so long to learn the word "damn,"
you ask? Well, don’t ask.
Sometimes when I hear the state of politics, I think it’s
Washington. Then I forgot there’s another Washington on the
west coast. And then the other Washington, the one I was
thinking of, it’s not even a state. What’s with that? How come
so many states steal each other’s names? West Virginia? East
Virginia? North Carolina, South Carolina? Two Dakotas? That’s a
dumb name. I knew a girl named Dakota, or it was a TV show or
something. But why even one? There’s so many great names out
there to use. Why Dakota at all? Like Andy. "Hi, I’m from the
great state of Andy," you could say. Now there’s a state name.
Once again, I have digressed. I will change my pants and wash
thoroughly and write to you again.
Sincerity, Freedy Amos
So Cal
Dear commune:
What is with all the gay jokes? I swear sometimes me and my
dicksucking friends think you’re homophobic or something.
Is it insecurity? Perhaps you’re not sure enough of your own
masculinity to respect other human beings. Does it make you
feel big in front of your friends? I assure you when I’m
squeezing my erection into another man’s anal cavity we’re
not making fun of you heterosexuals, like, "Oh, how straight
they are! Yeah, they love to make love to women. That’s smart."
Say that last part in a sarcastic voice to hear it the way I
meant it.
There’s nothing wrong with being homosexual. Maybe if you’d
try it you’d like it yourself. But I’m not offering or anything.
Don’t show up on my doorstep at 3 a.m. wanting a little crash
course in homosexuality. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I
think you totally misread the signals. Jesus, don’t tell my
friends, okay? Something like that could get me in a lot of
trouble.
Greg Dandy
New York City, NY
Greg:
Whoa, I think you totally mis-read us, Greg. Obviously the
commune respects everyone in the world and their lifestyle
choices, especially homosexuals. Our reader statistics estimate
over 90% of our readership is made up of homosexuals. As much as
99%, maybe, we don’t even know. And according to our own
columnist Omar Bricks, everyone in our main office is queer.
Even those of our staff and contributors who are not homosexual
like a little on the side every now and then. There is even a
tape of our own Lil Duncan engaging in a little hot action with
a stockroom girl going around the office. If you would like a
copy, just send $19.95 to our letters address with "Lesbo Tape"
marked clearly on the envelope.
The commune
Dear commune:
The freedom to bear arms is a sacred right in America. How can
left-wing freaks want to take that away from us?
I’ve worked construction for ten years now. Sure, I’ve gotten
sunburned before, I admit there’s a danger. But sometimes it’s
just too hot to where a long-sleeve shirt or something like
that. And chicks love it when you where shirts without sleeves
at all so they can see all the tattoos. Some guys, like Danny
K., he don’t even wear a shirt in most of the summer. It ain’t
my cup of tea, but it’s a free country. Or is it? Huh? You tell
me.
If I can’t work outside or inside with bear arms, this certainly
isn’t the land of the free like I thought it was supposed to
be.
Merle Jackson
Elbow, MO
Merle:
We’re glad you could express your opinion to us. In fact, after
considering your letter, we’re glad you can read the commune at
all, or are gainfully employed. Most of all we’re glad you’re
there and we’re here.
the commune
Editor's
Note: the commune is not responsible for the content or
context of any of it's reader letters. Secondly, the commune IS
NOT hosting a contest for a free low-flow toilet that involves
sending in letters about why you need a new toilet the most.
Those letters should be directed to the-commode.com. Our staff
thanks you profusely.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
Volume 3
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan.
He knows when you're sleeping he knows when you've
been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house!
Merry Christmas!
Volume 2
We treat you like a queen and it's never good enough. Fuck this
insane bullshit. You're afraid to be loved.
Volume 1
Also, we do not manufacture TVs. We are a website. You must have purchased your
television elsewhere.