I feel a little dumb even asking this, but since the Sept. 11th terrorist
attacks I’ve been plagued in my mind with the same question: Why can’t the
U.S.A. find Osama bin Laden? He is only one man and Afghanistan is a country
smaller than the state of Texas. It seems like if we were serious about it,
we could do it.
Don Hoffman,
Winston-Salem, Massachusetts
Dear Don:
We have turned your question over to commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck:
“Don, of course Osama bin Laden is only one man; unfortunately, this one man is
a master of black magic and is able to walk through shadows like portals to
other dimensions. One minute Osama Loddy-Dotty can be in some Quaker plantation
milking butter, then the next he is back in Afghanistan sewing outfits for his
7-year-old soldiers. And in another split second he can walk through another
shadow and be under your bed, planting a bomb or whatever suits him. And let
us not forget the magical amulet he has that turns him into a cardboard cutout.
One minute our military is coming in and the next they find that who they
thought was Osama bin Laden in the flesh is actually a celebrity cutout for
people who want to get their picture taken with him or for displays in book
stores when his autobiography comes out—or so they thought!”
Thanks for your question.
the commune
Dear commune:
Last night I saw your editor, Red Bagel, on the Conan O’Brien show and he was
full of more alcohol than Dean Martin’s piss. He kept calling Conan “Carmine”
and demanding that the band play “She Drives Me Crazy” by the Fine Young
Cannibals. I was deeply ashamed to be a commune reader, and then I saw the Conan
O’Brien show and everything was alright again.
But beyond that, I was intrigued by some of the specific drunken ramblings of
Bagel to the NBC talk show host. He kept mentioning the “other angle” of the
Kennedy assassination, alluding to, I suspect, some additional footage of the
assassination of John F. Kennedy other than the Zapruder film that has not been
released to the public. May I please know more of this?
Emil Zender,
D’Artagnan, Washington
Dear Emil:
Red was, in fact, referring to the “other angle” of the assassination of John F.
Kennedy, Jr., though the mistake is understandable since the junior Kennedy is
widely believed to have died in a plane crash owing to difficulty with the
weather. According to Red, the truth would open a vast conspiracy so dark and
terrifying that Americans everywhere would collectively vomit upon hearing it.
Red is the leader in an effort to bring the truth behind Kennedy’s alleged
assassination to public attention, asserting that there is footage out there,
taped by the same guy who caught the Rodney King beating on camera, an ex-C.I.A.
man known as “Super Fudge” in innermost circles. This footage captures an angle
at which you can clearly see government-trained gremlins having sexual congress
with the right side of the plane, and Kennedy, though a skilled pilot, was
unable to save the plane from crashing into the sea. Though why Red calls this
footage the “other angle” is anyone’s guess, since no footage of the Kennedy
plane crash is available to our knowledge.
The details and reasons why are known, Red assures us, but he says no one
accuses Shirley Temple Black and Blue Oyster Cult of pre-meditated murder
without ample proof, so he is reluctant to reveal any information until the
much-sought “other angle” footage is in his grubby little hands first.
Thanks for asking, Emil.
the commune
Dear commune:
I like what you’re doing with your little commune thing here. Very nifty. I’ve
tried investing in stock for the commune, but apparently you can’t buy it in
regular markets. I was wondering, does the commune have a mission statement?
Are there any rules for commune reports, or guidelines to follow?
DeWayne Juan
New York City, New York
Dear DeWayne:
You cannot purchase commune stock anywhere, we are not a corporation up for sale
to the highest bidder. You can, however, get free commune stock by collecting
Rolly Cigarettes coupons and sending them in, though most people opt for the
reversible hunting hat.
We at the commune have a mission statement like anyone intent on delivering
quality service to the customer. However, the mission statement has changed
several times over the years since the staff usually cannot agree on any one
statement. Our first mission statement was “Put out or get out.” After that we
switched to, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but cocoa humping
donkey.” A few folks laughed at that but others didn’t care for it, so we
started going with, “Good to the last goddamn drop,” and of course that offended
the coffee people and Christians. We replaced our mission statement with some
indecipherable clucking noises for a while, and that was doing fine, but we
eventually decided to change it again.
This is our most recent mission statement, and it hangs proudly on the door of
our New York offices: “I don’t see any bright ideas coming from you, Mr. Bigshot
with the fat mouth and all.”
And every day all of the commune reporters, columnists, sponsors, and staff
nurses do their damndest to make that statement true. Thanks for writing,
DeWayne.
the commune
Editor's Note:
the commune is not responsible for nobody but the commune, and
the commune don't need nobody neither, so you can just go back
to living with your mom and leave the commune to it's stacks of
Maxims and Guns & Ammo, the commune will be fine. You'll see.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
Volume 4
Whoa, I think you totally mis-read us, Greg. Obviously
the commune respects everyone in the world and their lifestyle
choices, especially homosexuals.
Volume 3
Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan.
He knows when you're sleeping he knows when you've
been bad or good. And soon he'll be coming to your house!
Merry Christmas!
Volume 2
We treat you like a queen and it's never good enough. Fuck this
insane bullshit. You're afraid to be loved.
Volume 1
Also, we do not manufacture TVs. We are a website. You must have purchased your
television elsewhere.