People Think I'm Johnny Carson the commune's Rok Finger keeps it real on the state of the nation's wet bars
Tuesday, Jan. 16, 2001
The most hilarious thing happened
the other day, faithful readers.
As is per usual, I was on the
phone to odor the special deodorant I use from Quebec. Anyone
familiar with me knows I tire of the French fairly quick, and the
only thing that irritates me worse is the French-Canadians. A
people so wishy-washy about their country of origin
shouldnt be allowed independence; Ive said it and I
stand by it. But the story centers more appropriately around my
using a fake voice for this order. Sometimes I enjoy gagging on
the French, using a fake voice on a lark and so on.
Well, do you know what this French
guy said when I called in my fake voice?
Johnny Carson! Were
happy to service you!
Keep in mind I never use fake
names; thats just plain unfair. But this French-Canadian
fellow assumed I was Johnny Carson JUST BY THE SOUND OF MY VOICE.
I cant tell you what a heady accomplishment this was.
Already my mind was racing on how to take advantage of this. But
I had to be sure it wasnt a joke being played on yours
truly.
To test, I approached my wife of
thirty years, Arvelyn, from behind while she was gardening,
cleared my throat, and announced, in my Carson-sounding voice,
Im looking for Ed McMahon."
Well, by gum, Arvelyn spun around
with a furor, calling out, Mr. Carson! She was a
little disappointed to see only her loyal non-Johnny Carson
husband there, but once I explained this unique gift I had and
the possibilities now open to us, her eyes lit up with as much
opportunity as mine.
My first thought was to call NBC
and tell them I wanted my old job backsurely theyd
bounce the thick-chinned yokel running the show now if JOHNNY
CARSON said over the phone he wanted his show back! But my
next thought was that more than likely NBC had caller I.D. now
and would know this was Rok Finger playing a shenanigan. I don't
know if there are legal repercussions for getting Jay Leno fired,
but I decided to not find out.
Unfortunately, every opportunity
to garner a position as a celebrity lookalike fell through since
its genuinely required you look AND sound like the
celebrity you favor. And while Johnny Carson and I may sound like
twin brothers joined at the larynx, he is distinguished and
dapper in a midwestern sort of way, while I am hideous and
troll-like.
So currently we are waiting for a
callback from a producer we have called about a Johnny Carson
radio show. Carson himself is reportedly a big fan of television,
so we stake the likelihood is that he will not be listening to
the radio much. Therefore I will be free to run my radio show
without fear of repercussions. I have already called Joan Embry
and Don Rickles and both are excited to be doing The Carson
Radio Show. Ill keep you informed of possible air
dates, though I must impress upon you commune readers to NOT TELL
Don Rickles or Joan Embry Im not Johnny Carson. During the
show itself Ill release a small belch and laugh, and that
will be our little secret. Just between yourselves and I.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
The Joker
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I Can't Get Up
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This is High-Grade Stuff
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Rok Finger: Independent Film Star
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No Dog Will Run My Life
Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can’t hear you! That’s better.
Doin' Fine
I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I’m doing perfectly well this week.
God Owes Me BIG TIME
Look at my face! Now you know damn well somebody owes me something for that, people.
Nabisco Loves Me
It was I who played a part in the efforts to make Cheez-Its the world's #1-selling brand cheese cracker.
Generation-X-O-Cide
Some may feel intimidated and back down from the pierced and tatooed larvae that pass for young people these days, but not yours truly. Nor will I.