Your Trash Is Now My Problem the commune's Rok Finger explores waste-management solutions for the new world
Friday, Jul. 14, 2000
Hello, good people. Once again
we've got a situation on our hands. I'm sure you don't need me to
elaborate what I'm talking about. So I will.
Several weeks ago young hooligans whose names I'm
unaware of began dumping their garbage on my lawn. As you may
have read in this column previously, I used to run a private
landfill out of my home. Apparently this gives the right to
Johnny Goodtime and his friend Charlie Havingfun to pour there
throwaway refuse on my lawn. No siree bob!
I can't stress this enough: DO NOT THROW YOUR
TRASH ON MY LAWN.
Sorry for the all-caps, but I'm just so
frustrated, I don't know what to do. As you may have read
previously in this column, I only get mad once a year. I call it
my annual "stress out," and it's usually without event.
Besides that one year I killed a drifter, but I'm sure I don't
need to go on about that again; I'll save my regular readers the
drifter spiel.
I have but one point: Garbage tossing has to stop!
Some people tell me to "chill out" or "relax,
five-oh," but I'm serious. I'm sick of tossers. I've put up
with way too many fads over my 68 years in this country, like
boogie woogie and denim. I won't put up with another one.
A few years ago, several of my sixteen mailboxes
were destroyed by thoughtless juveniles playing "mailbox
baseball," as they call it. I call it vandalism! Shameless,
pricey, and loud. Do they think this is funny? Destroying my
mailboxes? Ringing my doorbell and running away? Smearing blood
on the bumper of my car to make me think I've hit my own son on
another drunken late-night drive home? I guess they do.
It's a sad state of affairs these days. Don't even
get me started on those Washington bigwigs and they're
shenanigans. I've got too many problems close to home to solve.
And I want those little wayward ragamuffins to know I won't put
up with monkeyshines no more. The next time I see them
approaching my mailboxes or my lawn or even the street on which
my house rests, I'm firing several warning shots from one of my
firearms in my expansive collection. These warning shots will be
right at them! I mean business! No more!
I apologize to regular followers of my dogma for
this little rabid sidebar, and hope to get back to my regular
column next time. I just have to let the hooligans know judgment
day has come.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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