God Owes Me BIG TIME the commune's Rok Finger questions God's scratch-n-dent policy
Wednesday, Nov. 15, 2000
Some people act like God owes them something...
just because they were born! As if being given the gift of life
entitles them to something other than each and every lucky breath
they take. Nosiree Bob.
Look at my face! Now you know damn well
somebody owes me something for that, people.
Nobody owes Claudia Schiffer jack shit. Miss
pretty priss can bitch and moan all she wants about how rough it
is being a supermodel and working all day in a swimsuit until the
fabric cuts your pert little nipples, and okay, maybe the beaver
teeth are a bit repugnant. But her case don't matter a hill o'
beans to my having to cart this puss around for eternity.
Ain't nobody on earth done so wrong to deserve
my gruesome hood ornament. If the Geneva Convention applied to my
sadsack mug God would be up on some serious crimes against
humanity charges, that's for sure. And I make no apologies--hell,
with this creepy kisser nobody would stick around to listen to
'em anyway. I'm not a handsome man, that's something I and
everybody I've ever encountered instantly knows. But what matters
is... I'm damn ugly.
"Wait, Rok," you say, looking quite
the fool while reading the commune and talking back, "I know
where this is going." But you're wrong. This isn't about
disproving the existence of God. If anything, my nasty
neanderthal visage proves there is a God and he's one twisted
bastard, He is.
I'm not pushing any unwarranted
charges on Hisself, I'm just saying that all this can be cleared
up nice and neatly with a blank check. His holiass can definitely
afford it, just invent more gold or utarnium, the ultimate
valuable metal or something. But it's quite clear I've been done
wrong and it don't take no Judge Wapner to rule in my favor to
prove it. I'll forget the whole thing if Our Lord Who Art
Laughing His Ass Off Up In Heaven will just cut me some quick
cash. And it better be soon, I've got a high school reunion to go
to soon.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
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It was I who played a part in the efforts to make Cheez-Its the world's #1-selling brand cheese cracker.
Generation-X-O-Cide
Some may feel intimidated and back down from the pierced and tatooed larvae that pass for young people these days, but not yours truly. Nor will I.