Rok Finger: Independent Film Star the commune's Rok Finger gets a taste of the Arts--and he's got dibbs on the gizzard
Friday, Feb. 16, 2001
Being a celebrity has its
advantages. Ive never been one of those wildly popular
people whove complained about the spotlight. I revel in the
attention and the fact people value what I have to say. I
consider myself a very trusted member of the community, holding
more sway than the Mayor and the guy who dances at baseball games
combined. But now Rokwell T. Finger is taking the next logical
step in the celebrity chainIm going to be in a movie!
Before you get all worked up into
a frenzy, make sure that Im not going to be some John
Davidson-style action hero or champagne-sippin conniver in
a big-budget romp. No, while that may seem the preferred way to
go, the films producer, Piglet, made the point that
appearing in a film like that would rob me of my credibility.
Instead, Im doing something of great artistic merit. The
film is currently titled Dog Dick Sunday, but might
change if a more interesting title comes up. From what I
understand the film is about a fellow, named Dick of course, who
experiences a very unpleasant Sabbath. No one has described the
film for me or let me see a script, but I think its pretty
transparent from the title.
No, I wont be playing
Dickbaby steps, good people, baby steps. My
character is known as Creepy Old Guy in the script,
though if I understand right nobody actually states my name. From
the scenes Ive rehearsed already, everyone generally
screams when they see me. Not without good reasonmost of
the scenes Im carrying a torch and shrieking in a
high-pitched whine. That would certainly scare me, folks!
I can guarantee there wont
be any nudityRok Finger isnt into putting this temple
on display for anyone but the Mrs. and those just outside my
bedroom window, including our neighbor Mrs. Hardlevilch. I will
be appearing in my underwear in most scenes, but as Piglet said,
Underwear models, like, get paid to do that all the time,
yeah? And they can, yknow, appear in your Sunday morning
paper while youre, like, drinking your coffee and
shit. Well-stated, Piglet. Well-stated.
Im also very excited to be
bringing back the lost art of blackface. My character spends much
of the movie in black grease paint (or axle grease; I cant
recall which the make-up person said it was) and I performed some
of my very favorite Amos & Andy and Jolsen bits on the set;
they wont be in the movie, of course, but perhaps on the
outtake reel. Most of the kids on the set mustve never seen
any kind of comedy like it, they all seemed very perplexed and
stunned. Hopefully my next role Ill get to exploit those
talents more.
Dont worry, folks, Rok
Finger will still be a familiar face on the commune for some time
to come. I dont expect to get swept up in the limelight. As
soon as it interferes with my columns, I can assure you Ill
tell them to take a hike. But in the meantime, I hope youll
enjoy my stardom as much as I am. The film will be playing in
Piglets basement when it opens, though no set date as of
yet, seeing as how the film is yet to be completed. A few key
scenes need to be shot, and then the movie may take a while in
post-production, since Piglets dad wont get off his
back about the money he owes him. But when it debuts watch
out independent film world! Rok Finger is about to make a big
bomb!
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
No Dog Will Run My Life
Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can’t hear you! That’s better.
Doin' Fine
I must say with one-cup astonishment, two cups of mistrust, I’m doing perfectly well this week.
God Owes Me BIG TIME
Look at my face! Now you know damn well somebody owes me something for that, people.
Nabisco Loves Me
It was I who played a part in the efforts to make Cheez-Its the world's #1-selling brand cheese cracker.
Generation-X-O-Cide
Some may feel intimidated and back down from the pierced and tatooed larvae that pass for young people these days, but not yours truly. Nor will I.