I Will Destroy the People Living in My Trash the commune's Rok Finger addresses the sensitive topic of homelessness
Friday, Jun. 15, 2001
As some of you may know, Im
now at war with the people who live in my trash. This is nothing
unexpected, nor is it anything new. For years the people living
in my trash have been casually testing the boundaries and pushing
the envelope; now theyve finally pushes Rokwell T. Finger
too far.
It started innocently enough. I
found people living in my trashthis was around
1967and was at first a little startled, alarmed, and even
disturbed about it. Was it due to societys injustice or the
imbalances in our distribution of wealth? Fortunately, soon after
I turned Republican and realized the smarmy people live in my
trash because they want to. This solved my immediate moral
dilemma, but the fact was I still had people living in my trash
and it wasnt too appealing a thought.
Over the years Ive tried
everything. I offered to get them a hotel room; drive them to the
dump where there was a megalopolis of refuse to inhabit; I even
fixed up my neighbors trash with gift baskets and other
tempting items, all to no avail. These people were particularly
fond of my trash.
The 80s became a real trial,
and for a while I thought I was winning the warone of them
even passed away, leaving only three men and a woman living in my
garbage. But as the 80s progressed they only seemed to
irritate me more, feathering their hair with my mousse and
watching through the window as I watched such delightful
television staples as ALF, and Cheers,
and Weve Got it Maid. These bums were pushing
me!
Through the 90s they
mellowed out some, except for that harsh period where grunge was
popular, where they seemed to multiply into dozens of
trash-dwelling people. But when that was over with, they were
back to the three men, though the woman disappeared, perhaps gone
on to follow the Dead or become a bikers mama or some such
counterculture schtick.
But last weekend we got off to a
bad start for the new century as several items from my personal
belongings turned up missing, including a pair of shoes, a camel
tweed jacket, and a Kiss T-shirt thats particularly
valuable to me now that its a collectors item. On top
of that, a new company has taken over the trash pickup and they
refuse to pick up refuse while people dwell in it! And of course,
the homeless arent worried about it all, laughing it up
like a Sunday brunch.
And yesterday morning, I spied on
them while they slept andwouldnt you know what one of
them seems to have found? A camel tweed jacket! Im not
kidding, good people. All I await is evidence they have my prized
Peter Criss T-shirt and Im going to go apeshit on these
vagrants. You watch. This will be an explosion and Rok Finger
will come out untouched. After thirty-three years, Id say
were due.
I have to goone of them is
peeing on my cat. Ill keep you updated.
Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist
Free Virus Baggies
Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks
FAQ Shwartz |
Site Map's Somewhere in the Glovebox |
Search In Vain |
Contract Ick
Privacy Police |
Terms of Gary Busey |
Reprints & Persimmons |
Press Eject Now
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