Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I’m fuckin’ smashed. That’s right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow ‘em out your ass, America! I’m fuckin’ sick of movies, this week we’re going to review vegetables. Cucumbers! Radishes! En… Endives! Yeah!

Alright, smartass, I’m out of vegetables. Here’s your goddamn movies:

In Theaters

American Wedding
A formerly hardass franchise has gone all Friends on us, ladies and gentlemen. Hollywood’s obese felines are betting you’ll slap down your hard-earned pesos to watch these dirtballs get hitched, and I say screw ‘em! Screw ‘em and their imported water. If I wanted to see somebody stick their dick in a wedding cake I would have gone to my cousin Dave’s wedding last month. So let me be the first to add this movie to my list of things we’re all boycotting: Pizza Hut, the boyscouts and this movie. Oh, and vegetables. Fuck vegetables. You heard it here first.

Fucking Friday
Jamie Lee Curtis and some anonymous tampon star in this triple-hashed remake of all those “Dad woke up with his teenage son’s boner” movies from the 80’s. Only now it’s a mother and daughter sharing the misery, and it’s not a onetime deal, but rather a once-a-week hassle that the family has come to know derisively as Fucking Friday. The expected faux-hilarity ensues, with daughter getting hot flashes and mom getting hot pants, blah blah blah. The bulk of the film consists of queasy sequences featuring mom being pawed by underage slobs with beer on their breath and daughter air-sickness bagging her way through routine, mechanical sex with dad, both of which I sincerely could have done without. Somebody actually found Mark Harmon buried in the wreck of the Lusitania and dug him up to co-star as the hot neighbor who may or may not have mind-switched with a two-year-old Latino boy. They must have figured Harmon had the necessary experience with catastrophes, but at least the first time around he probably got some decent seafood.

Gigli
With his latest picture, Ben Affleck proves he’s whiter than any of us could have possibly imagined, despite his current marital status as a lemur clinging tenaciously to Jennifer Lopez’s ass. Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a walking punchline whose constant references to “gettin’ Gigli wit it” demonstrate that Affleck can’t even appropriate faux-black culture from Will Smith, of all people. Thankfully, J-Lo sings a song on the soundtrack, so maximum camp value is achieved, allowing audiences to enjoy the film on an ironic level even if they like acting and music.

The Secret Lives of Dennis
Who out there among you didn’t think it was too late for a Head of the Class spin-off movie? Okay, that’s not many hands, but I’ll assume that’s because not many of you foresaw the possibility, or even recall the show from your cocaine-encrusted chest of 80’s memories. For those of you that did think a spin-off was a good idea, wouldn’t you have spun off a movie around rebel loner Eric or even geek chic Arvid? Okay, you guys with your hands still up are just fucking with me, go on home and quit busting my balls. As for the rest of you, were you really thinking of going to this movie? Good God man, don’t you have some chores to do? Stay home and spellcheck your suicide note or something, for the love of all that is holy.

S.W.A.T.
The latest Playstation game to skip the Playstation and come straight to the theater is a loose (and I mean like the cousin that let you feel her up at the family reunion loose) sequel to the 1994 Stephen “Midget Golfer” Dorf flick S.F.W.. This is not to be confused with the Bridget “Anaconda” Fonda handjob S.W.F. (Super White Female) or the Three Stooges flick W.F.S. (Where the Fuck is Shep?). Since the original wasn’t actually about anything, the producers had the leeway to build the sequel from the ground up, and to give the franchise a kick in the ass by making it a blaxploitation thrill ride. As with the original, the American public was deemed too square to be exposed to this film’s title in its full glory (Some White-Ass Turkeys), but savvy filmgoers should know without being told that Samuel L. Jackson wouldn’t get mixed up in another lame movie about the actual S.W.A.T. team, not after The Negotiator. Though he did still manage to walk into a door frame by not demanding that the screenwriter change his character’s name from Hohmo, I can’t help but think that’s going to get more laughs than any of the actual jokes in the picture.

Alright, everybody out unless they want Bacardi on their pants! You got your movies, now leave Uncle Roland to drown his sorrows in a kiddie pool full of inexpensive rum. Check back in another two weeks, but if nobody answers when you knock then just dream up your own pithy comments for once. Lazy bastards.

July 21, 2003
Bed Boys II, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Rock the Cradle of Love, Seabiscuit, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

July 7, 2003
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde, Pirates of the Caribbean The Ride The Movie: The Curse of the Black Pearl Harbor, Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Sequel, Terminator 3: Rise of the Meatheads

June 23, 2003
28 Days Later, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Jet Lag, When Harry Met Lloyd: Dumb and Dumberer

June 9, 2003
2 Fast 2 Furious, Daniel Day-Car, Hollywood Homicide, The In-Laws, The Italian Job, Love the Hard Way, Rugrats Gone Wild

May 26, 2003
The Matrix Rebooted, Finding Remo, Bruised Almighty, The Hoke, Downey with Love

May 12, 2003
The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Owning Mahowny, The Real Cancun, Whale Rider, X2: X-Men United

April 28, 2003
Anger Management, Bulletproof Monkey, Holes, House of 1000 Islands, Identity

April 14, 2003
Bend it Like Beck’s Ham, The Core, Head of State, A Man Apartment, Phone Booth

March 31, 2003
Ass! Ass! National Tango!, Bringing Down the House, Dreamcatcher, The Hunted, Piglet’s Big Movement, Tears of the Sun, Willard

2003 Oscars Special!
Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom.

March 3, 2003
Dark Blue, Old School, Spider, Studyhall Junkies, The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale

February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2

February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights

January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security