Howdy howdy howdy America, as they used to say in the old three-man Westerns. We’re here for another week of the viewin’ and reviewin’ good time you’ve come to know as Entertainment Police. Or, if you’ve been tuning in to our Spanish-language affiliate, Entertainmentalvo Policias Arriba Arriba!. We’re back, and so is Hollywood with exhibits A-E in the “When did semi-retarded apes take over Hollywood?” trial. So without wasting any more time, let’s take a crack at this week’s movies before that tight-assed court reporter gets back from the john.

In Theaters

Bend it Like Beck’s Ham
Probably the most surreal movie of the year so far, after Shaq’s turn as an aspiring stewardess in A View from the Top, of course. Brain-scrambled folkamuffin Beck finally gets a chance to write and direct his own film, after his scripts for Dogfood Stamps and Papa Roach Motel Fire were turned down by the studios. This one definitely was the strongest script of the bunch, centering around the story of a disco-loving rump roast who coughs on Satan, instead of the rather far-fetched plots of the other two. I have to admit the film lost me a bit when the gummy bears hijacked the giant dancing robot and made him put on the golden pants, but I still had a good time.

The Core
At first I was excited because I thought this was going to be another killer movie about the Marines, but then I realized that’s spelled Corps. Which is a bummer since I was really in the mood to see some doughboys get chewed out severely by a skullfucking psychopath. Anyway, in the end I had to settle for this poofy little bitch of a movie. Yeah yeah yeah, the earth is going to blow the hell up unless some goofy dingdongs can set its shit straight with a technological cattle prod up the ass. Tell me another one. I didn’t even like it the first time when it was called Armagremlins.

Head of State
With a title that’s a clever pun on the Clinton administration, this new comedy features Chris Rock as an irrepressible presidential fill-in who can’t go five minutes without getting his knob shined. The expected hilarity ensues, mainly when girls turn out to be boys, boys turn out to be girls, and half of them turn out to be either members of the Britpop band Blur in cheeky cameo roles, or Ari Fleischer in funny wigs. As presidential sex comedies go, this one isn’t quite as inspired as All the President’s Men, but still easily outpaces such rote exercises in the genre as Sexual Congress and In the Oral Office.

A Man Apartment
Horror has a new face when virtuoso crotch-scratcher and testosterone mop Vin Diesel gets his own apartment after his wife leaves him for getting her killed by vengeful drug dealers. The resulting bachelor pad is not pretty. Think The Money Pit meets Poltergeist, only sweatier. Though the film is a little too dependent on cheap scares, like the sudden extreme close-ups on Diesel’s grotesquely browned briefs, overall it has just enough of the right creepy vibe to stick in your head, and to keep more than a few girls from ever dating again.

Phone Booth
Could John Wilkes Booth be the 21st century’s perfect killing machine? Would you respect me if I said yes? What if I said it in the form of a big glitzy movie with shit blowing up and Katie Holmes? How ‘bout this: An evil madman holds the world for ransom after he develops a time-traveling phone booth and uses it to call up America’s original lone gunman, summoning Booth from the past to do his evil madman bidding. Does that make your teeth hurt? You should try sitting through the movie. At least they resisted the urge to throw Carrot Top into the mix somehow.

That’s all the milk the tit has for us this week, gents and gentinas. I hope you enjoyed it more than your last marriage, and I hope we’ll see you here again in another two weeks. Well, not literally see you, it’s not like we’re developing some new invasive web-spying technology and using this site as a beta test or anything. That would be crazy. So forget I said anything about that. Really, at all. Just flush it from your memory. Completely. Thanks.

March 31, 2003!
Ass! Ass! National Tango!, Bringing Down the House, Dreamcatcher, The Hunted, Piglet’s Big Movement, Tears of the Sun, Willard

2003 Oscars Special!
Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom.

March 3, 2003
Dark Blue, Old School, Spider, Studyhall Junkies, The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale

February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2

February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights

January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security

January 6, 2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Just Married Ashton Kutcher, Love Liza, The Pianist

December 23, 2002
25th Hour, Catch Me if You Can, Gays of New York, Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners, Max

December 9, 2002
About Shit, Cannibalize That, The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, Star Trek: Eminemisis

November 25, 2002
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nuts, Diet Another Day, Extreme P.O.S., The Friday After Next Friday, Wes Craven Presents: They...

November 11, 2002
8 Miles of M&Ms, The Santa Clause 2, Punch-Drunk Love, I Spy, Femme Fatale

October 28, 2002
Auto Focus, Formula 51, Ghost Ship, Jackass: The Movie, The Truth About Charlie, Waking Up in Reno With Billy Bob Thornton