Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom. Hollywood is throwing all of its bulimia-managed weight around in an effort to whip us all into an Oscar frenzy, until we’re running around like assholes, buying movie hats and snatching up tickets for movies we’ve never heard of. Since after all, they must be good if Hollywood wanted to artificially boost their box-office by leveraging back-room deals for Oscar nominations, right? They wouldn’t go to all of that trouble for a turkey, would they? Don’t be silly. So let’s ratchet up the anticipation to an uncomfortable level before the big night with one final look at the nominees!
Best Picture
Chicago -read EP review-
I’ve already given the city of Chicago enough free publicity by refusing to review their movie a few months back. I’m not about to add insulin to injury by talking it up more, here. More than I already have, anyway. So I’m stopping. Right… Now!
Gays of New York -read EP review-
Hands down the best gay film of the year. Notice I didn’t say the “gayest best film,” because that would be improper English, or “gayest good film,” because that honor belongs to the overpoweringly gay epic Sweet Homo Alabama. GoNY, however, is good and gay in its own right. Though some thought the disco club rumbles in the film were too graphic, I think that the film would have lost its realism if they had left out all of the hair-pulling and name-calling. Some might argue that the film is too gay to win the big prize, but that didn’t stop Cool Hand Luke, now did it? Even money says this one makes off with the naked-guy statue.
The Hours -read EP review-
There’s some kind of standing rule with the Academy where if all of the reviewers fall asleep during a certain movie, they have to nominate it for Best Picture. Partly just tradition, I think, but also none of those guys want to admit they weren’t deep enough to power through some ass-numbing exploration of a woman’s spirit filmed in real-time with no cuts or bathroom breaks. The Hours is the secret shame of this year’s nominee class, and I understand why. Getting through this movie is like serving a tour in Vietnam, only hard. Look out for this one as a dark-horse candidate for the win if none of the voters can get through the video.
The Lords of the Ring: The Out of Towners -read EP review-
What was supposed to be either the best gay movie of the year, or at least the gayest best movie of the year, turned out to be the least-gay mediocre movie that was supposed to be better and more gay. Peter, Paul and Mary Jackson pulled a fast one with this wild departure from the modern classic original, and I don’t mean the good kind of “fast one” like in an airplane lavatory. Steve Martin is obviously acting upon orders from individuals who have kidnapped his family, but the directors, at least, should have known better. The series still has a chance to redeem itself, but early word is that the third film will star Lou Diamond Phillips. Really. If this one wins the Oscar it’ll be because someone’s a big fan of “The Hammer Song”.
The Pianist -read EP review-
Funny, sure, but I doubt they’re going to want to have to show a clip montage of past Oscar winners that includes a midget in a sleeping bag being mistakenly used as a giant tampon for a whale. In this case, the nomination is the award, and a secret thank-you to the Farley brothers for cutting the title down from their original The Princess and the Pianist.
Best Director
Rob Marshall, Chicago -read EP review-
I’m not kidding, piss off with the Chicago stuff.
Martin Scorsese, Gays of New York -read EP review-
It’s fitting that Scorsese should invent the gay-boxing epic (with 1945’s lesbian opus Raging Bull), see it aped masterfully in last year’s Lords of the Ring, and then turn around and trump them all with this gay disco masterpiece. I don’t know how they’ll end up copying his latest coup, maybe they’ll make Saturday Night Fever again, but I hope they just leave well enough alone.
Roger Daltry, The Hours -read EP review-
Roger Daltry must’ve been too wasted away in Margaritaville to jump on the “Rock Stars Directing Blockbuster Movies” bandwagon last year, and when he did finally show up to direct something, a year late and with his pants only half on and his eyes all bloodshot, it isn’t a pretty picture. Pun most definitely intended. Some directing classes or rehab time couldn’t have hurt, and it’s pretty clear there are a few scenes where he dozed off while the camera was running. After the world-ending badness of Tommy, it’s not like we were expecting anything better than a kick in the nuts here, but I still left feeling vaguely disappointed, and sore.
The Farley Brothers, The Pianist -read EP review-
At first glance this may seem like one of the Academy’s usual gag nominations, but for once I think they’re actually acknowledging the skill it takes to get a camera crew up an elephant’s ass.
Pedro Almovóvar, Talk to Her
Now here’s the gag nomination. Fairly uncreative by Academy standards, but maybe they’ve got some inside joke about a guy waking up in bed with some Mexican dude and saying “Pedro, I’ll move over and talk to her” that makes it hilarious. You never know.
Best Actor
Adrien Brody, The Pianist -read EP review-
Finally, that funny guy from Mallrats gets his due, though of course he had to unwittingly have sex with a buffalo to get it. That’s the price we all have to pay. But who knew he had a poofy first name like “Adrien”? No wonder we haven’t seen him in more action vehicles.
Nicolas Cage, Adaptato
Only Nicolas Cage, or possibly Robin Williams, (maybe Gerald Ford) could pull off the lead role in this heavily bizarre Mr. Potato Head movie. But Cage does it with more panache, funny noses and sour cream than anyone had a right to expect. Maybe now he’ll finally get to take a crack at the big-budget action roles he’s always been denied because of that crazy look on his face.
Daniel Day-Lewis, Gays of New York -read EP review-
Daniel Day is just amazing in this film. His shoes match every outfit… even the ones you wouldn’t think would go with anything. In addition, he does the gay thing better than most supposedly gay people. Give the man a restaurant already.
Toby Keith, The Quiet American
Another gag nomination that provides a polite smile and little else. Maybe the Academy needs to hire some new writers.
Jack Nicholson, About Shit -read EP review-
Jack is the man, even when he’s not a man (see Kangaroo Jack, 2003. Actually, don’t see it, since it was kind of rank, but think of it when you read that comment) and the Academy has never been afraid to French-kiss his two Jakes. Woah, excuse me. Just barfed. Got too vivid there even for my own self. Anyway, there are few men on earth who can carry a film in which absolutely nothing happens, and thankfully for us Jack is one of them. I’m not sure who the others would me, maybe Jesus or that Jonestown guy. I hear he was pretty charismatic.
Best Actress
Salma Hayek, Fritos
Best snack-food movie since Kurosawa’s Ramen-dan, and Salma Hayek makes eating Fritos look like something we should all do, naked.
Nicole Kidman, The Hours -read EP review-
To be honest I forgot she was in this; she must have come in after I tried to kill myself by choking on a Whopper. The candy, you think I want to die with Burger King in my mouth? Ick.
Nathan Lane, Unfaithful
Proving he’s just as good at playing a chick as he is at playing a really effeminate man, Nathan Lane won a lot of fans this year, many of whom would beat the shit out of themselves if they knew they were lusting after a dude.
Julianne Moore, Farhvergnugen
Though Moore should probably be recognized for the best performance anyone has ever given in a two-hour car commercial, I got sick of that “Da da da” song after about ten seconds and I think it may have soured me on her as a human being.
Renée Zellweger, Chicago -read EP review-
Nope, don’t have anything to say. Not a God. Damned. Thing.
Best Supporting Actor
Chris Cooper, Adaptato
The secretive X-Files creator must’ve had some childhood play-time issues lingering to make him want to call in a favor to be cast in this one, but he does a fine job as the Potato Heads’ weird neighbor who’s missing some of his accessory teeth.
Ted Harris, The Hours -read EP review-
There must be a lot of big fans of The Who out in Hollywood, because Daltry had no problem attracting top-drawer talent to this project. Thanks to this film I now know all the nervous tics Ted Harris displays while waiting for the director to wake up and call “Cut!” but I’m not sure that gives him the edge for the Oscar.
Paul Newman, Road to Perdition -read EP review-
The movie itself was a slow train to Boregon State, but Newman did his thing with style as a mafia hitman who had his bladder removed in the war and has to drink while standing over a toilet. It doesn’t read funny in black and white, but it works in the film. It’s a shame to think what Newman could have done with a decent script, I for one would have loved to see him as a member of the Potato Heads’ extended family in Adaptato.
John C. Reilly, Chicago -read EP review-
I hear ya knockin’ but you can’t come in… Keep it up, Chicago.
Christopher Walken, Catch Me If You Can -read EP review-
It’s a bit strange that Walken got the nod instead of Leo “I Was Born to Play Lucky the Leprechaun” DiCaprio, but I can’t fault the Academy with throwing a little love Walken’s way. Playing Lucky’s father had to be a challenge, since he rarely appeared in the Lucky Charms commercials, leaving Walken to create an entire mythology from scratch. And he did a fine job, mixing one part parental cereal wisdom with two parts of his trademark “I’m hiding under your bed” icky charisma.
Best Supporting Actress
Kathy Bates, About Shit -read EP review-
Bates scared the shit out of me when she came up on the screen, I thought she was going to go after Jack’s ankles with a sledgehammer. Come to think of it, they could have had a pretty sweet sledgehammer/fire-axe battle to the crazy death between the two of them. Kind of strange the screenwriters didn’t think of it first.
Julianne Moore, The Hours -read EP review-
Shit, she was in this, too? What, is she saving up to buy a house or something?
Queen Latifah, Chicago -read EP review-
Nice try, you almost tricked me into talking about Chicago again. Riiiight, Queen Latifah.
Meryl Streep, Adaptato
She was born to play the role of Mrs. Potato Head, and did not disappoint. But being a woman of sleight build, I did wonder at times exactly how many facial features and accessories she could really store in her ass.
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Chicago -read EP review-
Christ, did the entire Academy have family members in this movie or what?
And that is what it is. Of course, there are also some nominations for cartoons and music and best catering and all that, but we’re trying to bring the column in at under three hours this year. I did notice that the nominations were fairly light on joke names and fake categories this year, maybe it’s a sign that the Academy is finally growing up. Well, on second thought they did still nominate a movie with a dick joke in the title for Best Picture, so I guess we shouldn’t get too worried. I hope you’ve enjoyed yourself as much as I’ve enjoyed yourself, and that you’ll all be back for more EP flavor the next time we squirt it out of the nozzle. Until then!
March 3, 2003
Dark Blue, Old School, Spider, Studyhall Junkies, The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale
February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2
February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights
January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security
January 6, 2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Just Married Ashton Kutcher, Love Liza, The Pianist
December 23, 2002
25th Hour, Catch Me if You Can, Gays of New York, Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners, Max
December 9, 2002
About Shit, Cannibalize That, The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, Star Trek: Eminemisis
November 25, 2002
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nuts, Diet Another Day, Extreme P.O.S., The Friday After Next Friday, Wes Craven Presents: They...
November 11, 2002
8 Miles of M&Ms, The Santa Clause 2, Punch-Drunk Love, I Spy, Femme Fatale
October 28, 2002
Auto Focus, Formula 51, Ghost Ship, Jackass: The Movie, The Truth About Charlie, Waking Up in Reno With Billy Bob Thornton
October 14, 2002
Abandon Katie Holmes, Brown Sugar, My Big Fat Geek Website, The Trainspotter, White Oldtimer
September 30, 2002
Moonlight Miles, Red Dragon, Sweet Homo Alabama, The Tuxedo