Humpty Dumpty, America, and welcome to the silent majority’s favorite movie review feature. It’s Entertainment Police, brought to you by Mike’s Hard Turpentine™. It’s that time of year when we can start to feel Oscar Fever crawl up the back of our throats… in a few short weeks they’ll be handing out the hardware! We’ll have a handle on all things Oscar next issue, but for now let’s take a whiff of what’s wafting through the theater’s central air system this week.

In Theaters

Dark Blue
Pitting the LAPD against a genius-level chess-playing computer is a risky strategy for any film, but naming Kurt Russell as the brains behind the human team pushes this one straight into the realm of science fiction. I suppose it’s believable if it’s set in the future, and some time between now and then the rest of the human race got hit on the head with the stupid stick a couple dozen times. Anyway, after seeing Dark Blue mop the floor with the Eastern European chess champion on the day his TV broke and got stuck on PBS, Russell becomes convinced that the computer program is behind all drug smuggling in America. He springs to action, leading his fellow cops on a dangerous spree of beating the shit out of anybody they can get their hands on. It doesn’t help the drug-smuggling situation, but it does make them feel better. After all, it’s not like these beer-swilling retards are really going to outsmart some hyperintelligent computer, come on now.

Old School
Continuing adult education has probably been funnier than this incontinent piece of trash. The potential is definitely there, what with the dean busting students caught with prescription medication, microwaves setting off pacemakers left and right, and half-deaf WWII vets complaining about having the same erection for three years while they’re supposed to be learning how to turn a computer on. This could have been funnier than the inauguration address former President Reagan made to Cedar Valley Middle School last year. But instead, it’s a lot of bad computer animation and adult diaper jokes that would make even Eddie Murphy scrunch up his nose. Will Ferrell does what he can with a malfunctioning colostomy bag that rings like a cell phone when it’s full, but Luke Wilson doesn’t have his brother’s funny nose, and it shows. If the filmmakers had actually spent some time with old people before making the film, they would have realized that you don’t have to invent far-out situations to make them funny, asking them to set up an answering machine will suffice.

Spider
Drawing inspiration from the classic Stephen King short story where the guy hates spiders and then wakes up one morning and he’s a spider, Ralph Fiennes’ latest picture is sure to confuse and alienate his many fans who are still waiting for him to fly in a biplane and tell romantic stories again. But as his recent roles (Faceeater 3, Little Buck Naked) have shown, that’s exactly the kind of thing Fiennes gets off on. That, and making up absurd pronunciations for his name that he insists stupid interviewers and the Entertainment Tonight boobs use. I’ve always admired Fiennes for his sense of humor, which is well on display in Spider. The film does have some serious moments, but nothing that will distract you too much from how hilarious Fiennes looks in the spider suit. It may be a little too slapstick for highbrow horror fans, but anyone who can’t laugh at a giant spider farting on a guy deserves their humorless lot in life.

Studyhall Junkies
Whoever thought this was a cool idea for a movie needs to spend some serious time after school writing behavior-altering slogans on the chalkboard, that’s all I know.

The Time-Life Christmas of David Gale
Shoplifting Christmas CDs is obviously a hot button issue these days, so it’s hard to argue that this film wasn’t inevitable. Some might wonder at what powers within the government kept it from coming out until now. But some people just love to blame things on the government, everything from high taxes to the Vietnam War. The real reason the movie didn’t come out until now is because it stinks on ice. If they had released it when there were lots of great movies coming out, it would have been eaten alive. They’d be painting the theater while it was playing. Now that things are slow they can turn the movie on like a bug zapper and figure at least a few hapless souls will wander into the wrong theater on accident. Kevin Spacey proves yet again that he took a method acting approach to being killed in American Beauty, and whoever this claymation robot is who’s collecting his paychecks now has incredibly bad taste in scripts. The Shipping News, K-Pax, Pay it Forward and The Bad News Bears: All Growed Up? What’s next, The Hee-Haw Movie?

That’s that, America, and the that to which I refer is the extent of our movie reviews for the week. Huh? You heard me. Won’t you come calling again in a few weeks when we take a peek down Oscar’s blouse and ogle the rubber tits within? Uh… good.

February 17, 2003
Cherdevil, How to Lose a Gut in 10 Days, The Jungle Book 2

February 3, 2003
Final Destination 2, The Recut, Shanghai Knights

January 20, 2003
Darkness Falls, A Guy Thing, Kangaroo Jack, The Hours, National Security

January 6, 2003
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Just Married Ashton Kutcher, Love Liza, The Pianist

December 23, 2002
25th Hour, Catch Me if You Can, Gays of New York, Lords of the Ring: The Out-of-Towners, Max

December 9, 2002
About Shit, Cannibalize That, The Hot Chick, Maid in Manhattan, Star Trek: Eminemisis

November 25, 2002
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nuts, Diet Another Day, Extreme P.O.S., The Friday After Next Friday, Wes Craven Presents: They...

November 11, 2002
8 Miles of M&Ms, The Santa Clause 2, Punch-Drunk Love, I Spy, Femme Fatale

October 28, 2002
Auto Focus, Formula 51, Ghost Ship, Jackass: The Movie, The Truth About Charlie, Waking Up in Reno With Billy Bob Thornton

October 14, 2002
Abandon Katie Holmes, Brown Sugar, My Big Fat Geek Website, The Trainspotter, White Oldtimer

September 30, 2002
Moonlight Miles, Red Dragon, Sweet Homo Alabama, The Tuxedo